&t skeet on mischa: 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005

skeet on mischa

i wouldn't have given you it if i didn't agree

Dec 31, 2004

happy new year!

dudes, if you're gonna be havin' a new year's party, remember these things:
-you gotta play "hong kong boogie" by the prima donnas at least once during the peak hour or at least at the height of amajority of the party's intoxication level cuz if kids don't dance or even at least, lean back just a smear, kick them out of your house. and if you play something remotely related to kathleen hannah and nobody dances at all, you may want to consider the idea of finding new friends as your new year's resolution for '05
-if the girl looks a bit too young, card her; even if she looks of age, still card because everybody's driver license photo are hilarious. (look at this weiner kid here!)
-always at least one of your heavier friends work as security even if your house is surrounded by a chain link fence, the skinny armed sober buddy can be easily beaten up by a group of 4 or 5 bi sexual pretty boys. not to mention, it's easier to kick out people if there's at least two people saying that they gotta go. cop scare tatics work well, i remember this thing in tustin where these rich kids were charging 5 bucks a head to get in and after about 300 kids inside, they yelled cops and collected a cool profit and a small clean up session, to boot.

anybody want to go to amoeba this week?

Dec 29, 2004

the search for cherry red

so as i sat in my house, all sandbagged out in preparation of storm watch 2k6 (dudemeisters, we're already over 2005), i looked at that thing on the right of the screen that said, "babe of the week" and i thought to myself, why haven't i named a babe of the year? i grasp at straws every week to find some girl to put a picture up of, so why not grasp at a handful of more straws.

there's mandy moore, who probably had the best year of any of the late 90s teen pop singers because she got dropped from her label, got violently felt up in public[via uncle grambo], broke up with her date rapist in training boyfriend, can't pump her gas(you gotta scroll a bit, but worth it), was the source of the best joke i wrote in all of '04 and somehow managed to squeeze out an excellent performance in the rather lackluster film, saved!. what else could mandy have asked for this year? other than a way to get back all those hours she spent hanging out with adam duritz and his smelly hair. not to mention, that her nipple slip incident was so under the radar, it felt like nobody really wants to see her naked; she's hotter wearing a pair of jeans and some overpriced styx tour t-shirt from 1982.

while mandy moore had a great year, she also spawned off her own little clones, the mandy moore type. a girl whose cute and funny with enough emotional baggage to fill up two live journal accounts and even a melodramatic. no one better personifies this new trend in babearauses, then angela road rules. with her sassy hair cut and consistent crying fits, what isn't there to love about angela road rules? sure, she could've used a bit less make up and she may take up alot of your anytime minutes with a million calls a day, let alone the text messages, but at least, if you were the dude, you'd feel loved.

the thing about melissa from andy dick's "the assistant" is that she'll take care of you, i mean like really care of you. where as angela is a crazy, call you at 2 in the morning kind of girl, melissa seems like the girl who would lick her fingers and attempt to wipe away the deodorent stains on your t-shirt, which is the true test of a girl. fuck all of those rap songs about down ass chicks who'll wait while their man is in jail or whatevs, now the true test of the downacity of your girl is if she'll look at your shirt, see that you put on too much deodorent or forgot to roll up the shirt as you put it on in the morning and not ask you to change the shirt, but help prevent any impending awkward moments and wipe away deodorent or at least do her best to get rid and just say, fuck it to the situation. it takes more to bend down and spit on a shirt then to wait for some dude in prison or burn edivence on your behalf.

natalie portman actually did some legit acting this year, even though, both of the film were only okay (garden state was harlod & maude and mike nichols basically did a mash up of his own film, carnal knowledge with eyes wide shut without sexy results in closer). her performances were the highlights of each film and it's such a nice break to see act in a real environment as opposed to those created by lucas on some computer in the bay area.

there's this thing in southern california which has been on the lo pro for a while,the early morning stoner white washed asian girl. real world: san diego's jamie is not only the biggest babearaus to be on the show, evers, but she repred hard for the asian girls. gone are the bookish, nerdy girl or the import car model stereotypes which have dominated as of late and say howdy to the new asian stereotype, jamie chung. i mean, to exactly pick out what made jamie so hot; the way she doesn't know how to speak korean, so she's never really had a conversation with either of her parents or the fact that she really wasn't on the real world that much which leads to this thought train of 'oh, what scandalous things did she do that could've been show on the air?' or 'man, she must be so boring that she'd probably be into a blogger like me'. or could've been that mugshot from the time she got arrested in riverside?

while we've all checked out sites like burning angel(nsfw) and suicide girls(nsfw) now and then to maybe some cute scene girls sans pants or whatever. but evey now and again, there'll be some girl with nice knobs but with an awful purple mohawk and a giant gbh tat on her back, not the most attractive thing in the planet. and you see here's where polaroid scene aka the cobra snake comes in; suicide girls and burning angel are sorta like the playboys & penthouses of scene girls, but polaroid scene/the cobra snake is like some terry richardson-ized version of maxim. you get all of these cute scene girls in their element and it only inspires people to come out to clubs as opposed to spending numerous late night hour doing some mystalking. all the cute scene girl photo have this slight sleazy quailty with their hair all across their face and a drink in their left hand, it's hot. it sorta points out that yeah, the local music scene in la is in the shitters, but at least, there are babes.

and our hip tips for any potential babes in '05: fuck your pointy heels, wear some black flats instead; wearing big heels when you're five feet nothing is like lying and nobody likes a liar these days. fuck your flip flops and slippers, your feet are gross, so cover them up with some flats or go for that innocent look with a pair of chucks or vans slip ons. tone down the make up just a smidge, it's like when i told the head cheerleader to take down from an 11 to about a 7 during the football game; we can still see ya, but all that eye shadow sometimes comes off as a bit creepy. and if you have short hair, grow it out and let your spirit be free; fuck your big robert smith hair because that's the last thing dudes are looking for. fuck your giant old lady sunglasses, unless you're the girl from the bravery video or high on coke. basically, can we create some sorta uniform code for the girls on the blow this upcoming year? those gigantic old lady/hot rod todd from le shok glasses and some cowboy boots will become the new red bandana in right front pocket(nsfw).

and if you're some girl with long hair, a pair of flats and some satin trousers, you're stoked, yet worried because i'm probably following you around at the mall.

Dec 23, 2004

finding out true love is blind part 2

our last bit of lists, perhaps ever. and with these, we're gonna take the rest of the year off. see ya in '05, boys & ghouls.

favorite albums :

1. “shake the sheets” by ted leo & the pharmcists: it's a political album that doesn't beat its beliefs into your head or into the ground. even inspite of the election, leo's lyrics remain optimistic and inspiring.

2. “alphabetical” by phoenix: ever wonder what it would've sounded like if the neptunes made records with the beach boys, then check out this record. it's music to set the mood for you and your mandy moore type.

3. “you’re a woman, i’m a machine” by death from above 1979: so it appears that lead singer/drummer sebastien grainger is slamming kelly osbourne, which is a total bummer because grainger should be slamming mischa barton and rachel bilson at the same time after making this album. the sound is devasting and relentless, yet the lyrics are something out of stevie wonder's books, circa 1973

4. “funeral” by the arcade fire: whatever a better writer than us said about this, is what we meant to say, too.

5. tie: “the milk eyed mender” by joanna newsom & “medulla” by bjork: if you can hang with their voices, then you're stoked beyond belief because the voices are beyond beautiful.

6. “more adventurous” by rilo kiley: rilo kiley finally did it, an album that doesn't wear its self out after a couple of listens.

7. “talkie walkie” by air

8. “blood thiry babes, desperate youth” by tv on the radio

9. “bows & arrows” by the walkmen

10. "apora’t” & “manana” by savath & savalas

honorable mentions:
-“crimes” by the blood brothers
-“blueberry boat” by the fiery furnaces
-dj kicks: erlend oye
-“madvilliany” by madvillian
-"grand don’t come for free” by the streets
-“since we last spoke” by rjd2
-"misery is a butterfly" by blonde redhead;
-"thunder lightning strike!" by the go! team

best hip hop album: “madvilliany” by madvillian

best comerical rap album: “purple haze” by cam’ron

best show: tie 3 way: lcd soundsystem at the echo, air with orchestra at the hollywood bowl, and rilo kiley at the john anson ford theater

1. “yeah” by lcd soundsystem
2. “no problem” by lil’ scrappy featuring lil’ jon
3. “portions for foxes” by rilo kiley
4. “slow jamz” by kanye west, twista & jamie foxx
5. “banquet” by bloc party
6. “fit but you know it” by the streets
7. “drop it like its hot” by snoop dogg featuring pharrell
8. “can’t stand me now” by the libertines
9. “yeah” by usher
10. “romantic rights” by death from above 1979

worst albums:
"fly or die" by n.e.r.d.
"to the 5 burroughs" by the beastie boys
"the new danger!" by mos def

finding out true love is blind

perhaps, i'm a bit too sick or i've just been doing too much last minute shopping, but every wee little hispanic girl i see totally reminds me of dora the explorer.

speaking of hispanic women, eva longoria is in the current issue of maxim (pics are here) and just one thing comes to mind when i look at these pics, they're not hot. what happened to the pg-13 sex appeal of maxim? i mean, eva longoria wears less pretty much every week on "desperate housewives." so why drop 5 beans or however much money these magazines cost?

i might be in the minority and on the verge of stealing a joke from chris rock, but isn't kate becknisale's best feature, her hair? i'll suffer through the extreme horrors known as a billy bush interview just to see how she's wearing her hair. it's the big, messy and i want to believe that's going to cover beckinsale's face up, thus creating a haute couture version of cousin it.

criterion collection to do a 2 disc special edition of jules et jim due out in march; why didn't this dvd come out now because it would've made x-mas wish lists alot easier: "buy me jules et jim criterion collection edition" written about ten times in a row.

top ten films of 2004, but here's the thing i can't really do a good job of explain why i think these films are the best. i can only tell you why things sucked, so take notice and this probably what happens to a writer when they put off writing their ten best list until the very last moment.

1. sideways the best billy wilder film that he never made. it's honest and features one of the best comedy team in the history of film with giamatti & thomas haden church.
2. i heart huckabees david o. russell made the american equivalent of bunuel's the phantom of liberty
3. collateral: l.a. has never looked better in a film than it does here. smart direction by michael mann, breath taking cinematography by dion beebe & paul cameron and solid performances from tom cruise & jamie foxx.
4. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind: charlie kaufman finally wrote a film with a heart; jim carrey gives a performance on par with bill murray & peter sellers.
5. the house of flying daggers/hero: house of flying daggers is basically the kung fu version of singin' in the rain with the beautifully photographed and edited fight sequences where as hero is the red shoes of karate films.
6. a very long engagement: this is the film that anthony minghella, director of the english patient & cold mountain has been trying to make the past 10 or so years. it's visual poetry.
7. mean girls: lohan, a script by tina fey and bizzare performance by tim meadows.
8. shaun of the dead: in a year, where zombie fans see the return of george a romero to the zombie world and an uninspired remake of his 1978 classic dawn of the dead, shaun of the dead harkens back to a film like return of the livng dead, for as much fun they make of the zombie genre, they still hold it in high regard and stick to the fundmental rules of the genre.
9. kill bill volume 2: i had volume 1 as number 3 on my list for last year and while portions of the film are a bit of let down considering the energy of the first film, but tarantino continues to craft this odd love stories.
10.the incredibles: while ebert may say that spider man 2 is the best super hero film of the year, i beg differ with the incredibles. basically using alan moore's "the watchmen" as a loose blue print, director brad bird creates a somewhat vibrant and colorful world to deconstruct superhero mtyhology.

worst films of the year
1.open water: i paid 9 bucks to watch two boring people float around in the water for 90 minutes that could've been edited better by a 40 year old housewife learning final cut pro in community college. no emotion, no energy, just waste of time.
2.the village: i sincerely hope that m. night shyamalan goes back to the drawing board with his next script and tries really hard to not throw in a surprise ending because he has reached the breaking point with this film. he tries to hard come up with clever twists and neglects his characters, which are in fact what makes his film watchable in the first place.
3. napoleon dynamite: i've saw this film twice to understand what everybody was talking about it. i just don't get it. i love stupid comedies, i saw anchorman twice, but napoleon is just too stupid and one single note over and over again. the film is basically like attending a locust concert; basically after about two songs, you can head for home and with napoleon, after ten minutes, you could go home totally guilt free.
4. dawn of the dead: read our really old review here; in other words, i hate every minute of it.

Dec 22, 2004

magically suspicous

all right, so i was gonna post my year in review lists today, but while listening to the new m83 album, the computer froze and something went wrong with itunes, so i spend amajority of my time putting my everything back to normal.

then i kinda didn't want to touch the computer because i'd probably listen to louis xiv's "finding out true love is blind" again and have it stuck in my head the whole day and would spend my day in target or something singing the song to anybody who would walk by which probably lead me to being kicked out of the store and placed into a police cruiser and of course, to the arresting officer i'd say, "oh chocolate girl' or do that dog panting part.

then bill murray was on the jane pauley show. so tomorrow will be our day of lists.

but if you're in need of some lists:
-pitchfork's top 50 albums of '04
-tiny mix tapes' top 25 of '04

and of course, golden fiddle will break you off with some good punchlines.

Dec 21, 2004

oh yeah...

and fluxblog has that el-p/ghostface killer track (el-p remix), listen here, then proceed to run around and do laps or just loose your mind all together.

walking with a ghost

boys and ghouls, your humble narrator has felt like he's been hung over since saturday morning. the ineffectiveness of nyquil on my cold just left me so loopy that it prevented me from getting my drink on at a friend's christmas party. yet sobriety lead me to make an interesting discovery.

sure, we've all checked out polaroid scene and the photo section from club bang and quietly wished that maybe one time, we too, could party with those cute hipster girls. or maybe, i'm in the minority here, but either way, the thing is this, partying with cute hipster girls is not as glamourous or as sleazey as the cobra snake has made it out to be. what seems like a good idea on the paper of your journal or ultra top secret, friends only live journal, just doesn’t work out all the way through. the problem is this, for every cute girl that comes to the party, comes about two to three dudes who try too hard to dress like syd barrett circa ‘71 or they look like they’ve spent too much time in front of the mirror working on the hair and nicked the jeans from the little sister. and there's the other matter of the cute scene girl's unattractive friends, who are generally troll like girls and boys who wear as much make up as tammy faye and probably have the most durstest attitudes in the history of the world. these little trolls feel like they own the world simply cause they know all the words to both of the new bright eyes albums which aren't even out, yet(which they'll throw in your face) and been smoking cigarettes since they were 11. basically, these trolls are walking ads for condoms who stand in a corner outside littering it with cigarette butts, making snide comments about your grandma christmas sweater.

the other problem with cute scene girls at your party, is that there's a good chance that they're not of legal age. since at the christmas party, i wasn't drinking, i decided to be security and card scene girls. it's almost like an episode of "before they were stars," only i would assumed it would be greatly more embarrassing for these girls since all of six or seven months ago, they were rockin' abercrombie & fitch with their natural blonde hair color, slightly tan skin, and geekin' out over justin timberlake songs. now, they walk around in cowboys with joan jett haircuts, hoping to be like the girl in the kills. carding these girls will save some dude the letdown in finding out the actual age of the girl, instead of spending a good portion of the evening talking to some girl in cute black flats about the plot to blow up the eiffel tower is still in high school, like your humble narrator did (but i used my conversation time as research for a script i'm working on, seriously). then again, when the girl talks about how she eats her lunch in the library, that should be a sign she's still in high school.

either, this is a sign that i spend terriblely too much on the internerd and myspace or that we all are connected in some bizzare, altman-esque manner cause at the resturant i went to the other night, i recongized one of the hostess from her profile on myspace. for my own sanity, i'm siding the whole altman angle.

the jersey guido community pays tribute to dimebag darrell while listening to awful trance music, probably, well most likely

if you're not hip to the 3-6-0, then all you need to know is that it's where the hip hop community from the 909 aka the I.E. keeps it focused and gangsta beyond belief. i mean where else are you gonna see some kid in skin tight levis and a blue hoodie pop & lock as if he's at a child pornography(the band) show. at first, i thought that the 3-6-0 was going to be basically you got served: the series, but it's just something more than that because they'll let anybody on the show, including me if i ever went up to la to try out.

the like are playing at the viper room, tonight. come and ask the girls if they're old enough to get into the club or say i'd like you guys more if one of you wasn't dating some cock knocker from maroon 5.

roger ebert's top ten list for '04; even though, i respect ebert alot, but i just don't see spider man 2 as the fourth best film of the year. yeah, it was a good movie, but it's not the best super hero movie of all time. on wednesday, we'll post our top 9 list, which is only because we couldn't find one more film we liked enough to list.

warriors, come out to play! warriors, come out and play! warriors come out and play-i-ay![link via colter]

so hype williams is back making rap videos again, which is a good thing because rap videos are seriously lacking in cross dissolves, "how we do" by the game featuring 50; hype is biting on michael mann's steez instead of scorsese for once.

i may be a bit late to the game, but isn't the concretes' "you can't hurry love" like walking through the sprinklers on a hot day? such a little cozy, piece of bubble gum right there, dude.

i totally goofed when i said i wanted art school sluts for x-mas. what i meant to say was that i wanted some new threads from revolt and the eating disorder that'll get me into them.

Dec 16, 2004

like eating glass

it's sort of hard to tell people what you want for christmas, when basically all you really want is a copy of art school sluts(nsfw). porn is just not the ideal gift to give even amongst friends; i mean, what do you say to the person after they open it. "yeah, you've been pretty lonely ever since your break up and well, we know that you dig on asian chicks, so check this shit out, dude" buying is more of a personal thing, yet i think i want to ask for porn for christmas so i won't have to go into the shady backroom where the guy behind the counter is too friendly and appears that he's on the blow (porn is an industry fueled by coke. from its stars right on down to the dude who works at a dvd store) who's chatting it up with some middle aged dude in sweat pants who just dropped a grand on dvds, so the skin has already crept off the skin and decided to wait for the rest of the body in the car. then ulimately i walk around in a circle with no luck finding my movie and too red faced to ask if they have the movie in question, so i leaved frustrated and embarrassed because of that walk of shame, the one where you walk out of the backroom through the rest of the store. its better to leave without anything in hand, but still, its pretty sad.

the cobra snake gets lost in translation; i point this out because of the somewhat high number of japanese people not flashing the peace sign; and apparently hot american girls strip in japan cause the money is better(nsfw)

seperated at birth: a shar pei and adam sandler's daugther from spanglish; watch the trailer and you'll see it or you'll think i'm perhaps the meanest person in the whole wide world.

so everybody and their kid sisters are walking around these days singing "lindsay lohan has some big ass titties"; perhaps the best comedy joke song people have in their head since george sang "believe it or not, i'm not at home"

in defense of ashlee simpson's style, she looked good at the now infamous "i'm a celebrity and you are too, so let's be friends" party while lohan looked like she stole her mom's boots that her mom wore to a winger concert one time.

norelle, you may have not been america's next top model, but you're skeet on mischa's top model because you thought the only japanese food you ever ate was from panda express; related news: if you're gonna do shabu shabu, don't get kobe beef because you wouldn't be able to taste the quality of meat.

and finally, i must apologize to steve aoki; dude, i couldn't wait and i downloaded the bloc party album, "silent alarm" and it's really awesome. i will buy it when it comes out

the synths destroyed my teen art center

i want to really like ashlee simpson's new haircut; i mean it's the perfect length and everything; like girls thats how long you should grow out or how short you should cut it, but the fact is, she's just a horrible dresser ( see her get destroyed by the lovely fugging it up girls here andhere). then there's her video for the single, "la la," which has its moments of greatness, but overall its ruined by the over stylization by joseph kahn (dude, the reason why you're not directing another film is because people like a steady shot, not a shot moving side to side as if it's attached to a monkey getting donuts. let a shot last for 10 seconds, no quick cuts, and just relax). but anyways, i don't want to play the decephe mode card, but we've heard from kids that ashlee simpson is basically down for whatevs, if you know what i mean. so a tropper, a rallyer, whatever fucking slang you want to use in this situation.

i mean, i'm not surprised that she's that way, with the way her dad talks about his kids in the news; i mean who draws attention to his daugther's whoomp bompers.

hip hop site says that on the new prefuse 73 album there will be a track featuring el-p & ghostface killah and a remix by el-p has already been completed. if you're a beat nerd, you've creamed your jeans already or if you're a hip hop nerd, you crapped your pants when you heard about mf doom working with ghostface, but myself, i'd only get excited about a ghostface/mf doom team up, if produced entirely by madlib. still, its good to see some quailty mcs to work with scott herren.

this article explains why i never let anybody in my car; it's not cause i don't like you, it's cause you distract me

Dec 15, 2004

don't touch my daugther

so tuesday marked the end of my tv production class, which felt like the last day of sixth grade, since basically, we all stood around after class, talking about plans and havin' a cool summer and hopin' we'd run into each other again down the road. anyways, what seems to be something so standard for community college, besides the token dude who looks like jesus, is the class dad. you know the type, the guy in his 50s, taking class either before his job starts or on his lunch break or after work; he has a couple of kids in the same age bracket as a majority of the kids in class and lively sense of humor. yet at the same time, when you pitch a project idea, he'll object and ask questions like we're about to go hang out with the burn out kids on a friday night. it's that parential instinct, man.

one day, i was going over some b-roll footage i shot at robin brown's house and i get a bit of natali hopkin's torso in the frame, so the class dad is over my shoulder and sees the torso of hops and says, "is that my daugther?" i look over at him and say, "unless, your daugther is my friend's girlfriend and hangs out with weiner kids who are obessesed with french films." he nodded and said something about how she does hang out with weiner kids.

yet as the semester went on, i had a reoccuring joke with a couple of people about the class's dad's daugther and how over protective he is of her. the three of us would look at each other and shout during lectures, "don't touch my daugther" and proceed to laugh ourselves silly. yet as the joke continued, the more and more interested became in finally seeing what exactly the daugther looked like.

i mean, if he thought that hops was the daugther, then the daugther would be pretty alright. so i would causually ask other kids in class if they've seen the daugther and some would say, yeah, i saw her, she's hot. but the bullshit detector was rating high with those particular statements.

so i'm talking with the class dad about where i went to high school and what not on the last day. he says that his daugther went to that school as well and graduated a year after me. so she was a junior to my senior. so i rush home and check her out in the yearbook and the mystery daughter is a total babe. which lead to this sorta of spin control where i called my friend evelynn, who oddly kept sorta track of the people i made fun of in high school and asked her if i had made fun of her or not, cause i'm oddly kick myself for not working on more projects with the class dad in a feemble attempt to get closer to the hot daugther.

i need to discuss the manner with robin brown further. which, by the way, its his birfday today.

Dec 14, 2004

it aint such a thrill...

for y'all scenesters, cool kids, hipsters, and those who don't live in fear of the outside world, head over to cinescape tonight to see ultragrrl dj. i would go, but honestly, i can't park my car to save my life, so just imagine the panic attacks that would ensue if i was trying to find a spot that i'd be remotely kosher with. i mean, i'd have better luck parking, if i walk up to la. if anybody sees ultra in la, ask her for me, if they give ap style tests over at spin magazine cause those things scare the pants off me.

dim mak is planning on releasing a side project of johnny from the blood brothers' called, black catcus choir in '05. the blood brothers' kids are worried that it'll sound like soiled doves, and others hope that it'll sound like the vogue. me? i just hope that i don't feel like anybody's dad at the show when it goes on tour. for as much as i love the blood brothers and their related products, but there's just something about seeing them in concert that automatically makes me feel like i'm 35 and relatable to that horrible routine by greg behrendt. that creepy old guy whose in the front dancing and singing along, and the next morning, i'm popping advil, complaining my sore neck. i just can't do it, yet when i'm in the back, acting my age, i feel like a todler on a sugar high put in a time out right at the height of the buzz. it's a costant struggle, to act my age or feel old, but have fun.

why is nick zinner playing on what seems like every other song on the new bright eyes album? not that it's a band thing, but nick zinner, you're sorta like the indie version of eddie van halen, right now. so cool it now on doing solos, please listen to ronnie, bobby, ricky and mike, they care who you like. it should be noted that we're gonna be on the side of the country conor obsert in '05, so if you're gonna go to those shows and have a spare, holla!

the problem with mike nichols' closer is the cast. natalie portman & clive owen are great in the film, but when they're not on screen together, you're bored out of your mind. seriously, you could probably walk out of this film a couple of times and not miss anything. closer is an ideal movie to check out on dvd because you just fast forward to the one good scene in the film with any real intensity and energy and emotion or you could watch it straight through and do stuff like clean the house, pay the bills or make one of those triple decker, jim bleushi sandwiches then come back to check on in things and probably catch the bestest moment in the film. and if you're like me, you'll ulimately get distracted by that gigantic vein in the forehead of julia roberts and asking the question of why did the costume designer pick out those awful brown cord cargo pants. and that ending was so poorly shot and not believable, for as much as beautiful as natalie portman is, she is not the type of girl that would make average joes stop and do a linda blair head spin as she cursies down the street; this week's babe of the week, now she'll stop traffic.

this is the kind of film that makes me hate films i can just imagine the pitch on this: will smith is the date doctor, the dude who helps other dudes get some, but when he meets the woman of his dreams, he needs his own date doctor. my god, why would anybody want to see this film? then you think about it, and you're like, 'oh yeah, the bush states'.

memo to wes anderson & martin scorsese

we love your work, especially your earlier films that were more personal. yet lately, your films have been slightly disapointing, although, we haven't seen the aviator yet, we're gonna already claim 'it was okay' and 'could've been better' status with it. so could you guys simplfy the scripts a bit, maybe not spend 60 million dollars and spend years in italy working on productions. why not come home, make a film with your regular actors. so mr. scorsese, bring back bobby d to the fold cause we can't bare to see him in anymore goofy comedies or psycho thrillers and mr. anderson, bring back kumar and give owen wilson a smaller part. fuck spielberg for stealing the dude from you, still put him in the film, even in a super small part. and let's face it, that accent owen wilson had in the life aquatic was super annoyning and would've worked better in small doses. bring down the budgets a bit, to say like 10 million and still work with people like bill murray and john c reliey, but bring back some old faces like harvey kietel and jason schwartzman, remember them? for a minute, the world thought those two were your on screen alter egos.

so guys, let's remove leo di caprio's number from the rolodex and make some great films again. and if you see him, pass the note down to soderbergh as well.

Dec 13, 2004

i'm wide awake, it's morning

let's just put those rumours to rest right away, boys & ghouls, the lapse in updates was not due to the finals crush of school and being the producer on eight different projects, we won't front anymore, we were hanging out with karl malone hunting for little mexican girls. my main man, the mail man is into more of the telemundo type of babe, where as i'm into those sassy ones from riverside. yet, when me and the mail man team up, we're like shaq & kobe, '00 steez; him with those killer cowboys boot, me with some smelly new balances, the ladies have no chance of escaping our charisma, charm, and killer jump shots.

although, i'd like to get this out of the way, for those who live in the lower southern orange county area, i think pretty much from irvine down to the clem, perhaps even dana point area, check out the saddleback channel, super late at night for this bizzaro promo i cut for disneyland set to the music of kylie and my trip to newport beach. oddly, that tv project basically consumed my life over the past couple of weeks and i became apart of this world where i wasn't sure if this kid i was making fun of, was in on and being along with it or was completely oblivious to all of the jokes that were being made about him. when i asked the kid to write a rap about the city of newport beach, did he think to himself, 'oh, this will be really funny' or did he think, 'those fuckers think it's going to be so fun to see me rap. fucking hate those guys'. my life began oddly swept up in understanding if i was taking a joke too far.

the kid is a linkin park fan, which leads me to wonder is there something in the makeup of a member of the lp underground that makes somewhat bulletproof to snide quips and jokes from losers like myself or what? is there a column of strength in every month's linkin park's fanclub's newsletter written by chester bennington with statements like: "you're gonna meet up with some haters every now and then, but that's life, you know. and the best way to deal with those haters is just brush it off and be confident and true to yourself. that's what linkin park is all about, being real and honest and knowing that you're going to heaven, cause jesus is down with the underground and he's sending everybody who isn't down straight to hell."

i mean we asked the kid to bring his karate uniform, so we could videotape him doing karate on the beach and he actually came through and did kicks on the beach and he didn't ask why we need shots of him doing karate or why we wanted him to write down a rap about newport beach. he just did it and asked no questions. then i made him do the rap five times in a row and to makes worse, we didn't even use it in the video. so i'm just at this stand still wondering if this is the end of irony for me?

the following bands have broken up, yet nobody cares: glassjaw, torra! torra! torrance! and mr bungle, simply cause everybody is more into looking at pictures of this girl(nsfw) and listening to that new kills song[via fleshbot & fluxblog]

Dec 9, 2004

i just want to drop some new slang science in your eyes, ears and most importantly mouths. i'm not sure how you can use it in sentence but honestly, this expression is simply m&ms, melts in your mouth, not on your hands.

i got a hot date with some crab cakes

personally, i'm using it as an excuse right now to get out of things or a funnier good bye statement; "well, i gotta skate. i got a hot date with some crab cakes."

one of these it'll all make snese.

Dec 8, 2004

just when i was thought out, they pull me back in

seriously, who really cared about "laguna beach" after the first two episodes? it was a boring show with under age girls running around in bikinis and ocassionally being drunk on camera and nothing really ever happened. the show lived up to its claim of being 'the real oc,' since nothing really ever happens down here anyways. so i watched the final episode without any much hope other than a rad shot of kirsten and another creepy quiet, tender moment between christina & morgan.

the final episode of "laguna beach" not delievered on an extremely awkward and creepy exchange between christina and morgan and the last sunset shared by kirsten & stephen set to "sweet summer" by dashboard confessional, but they announced that they're doing a second season of the show, primarily focused on kirsten's senior shcemigoats in laguna. while on paper, that may not sound good, but the producers decided to amp up the hot, sexy teenage girl quota on the show. gone is the mopey, dull l.c. and her gang, they're replaced with some new gang that features a mandy moore type and you just know, how your humble narrator feels about mandy moore types. so we got this new gang feuding with kirsten's gang, which is bascially like the bloods vs crips, but gunplay is replaced with caddy name calling and bitch slaps. but that's not it, there's some other random new blonde, who is introduced to the world basically as the daugther of christie brinkley vacation; a hot girl with a sassy name in a redonklicously expensive car and basically, somebody whose named after the arm of an eagle jams every single one of these chicks? why wouldn't you want to watch the second season, it's going to be filled with more drama in one episode than the whole first season and as kirsten said, "it's only december." so i'm thinking by the end of the season, somebody will probably be dead.

yet, what makes matters worse for me, is that all of this crazy, drunken slut action is only a thirty minute car ride away from where i am. and it's moments like that, when i start to wish that i wasn't such the shut in that i am.

how to make an egomanical producer even more egomanical, give him 10 grammy nominations for his largely uneven album

Dec 7, 2004

such great heights

you know that part in the film, boogie nights where dirk diggler gets beat up by those surfers, rollergirl beats up that guy when making "on the prowl,", and buck swope is involved in that robbery at the donut shop, then there's a title card that says:
long way down (one last thing)

remember that part? okay, that pretty much sums up my life right about now minus the beat downs, robberies and impending hang out sessions with rahad jackson. instead, it's replaced by perhaps the most hellacious film shoot ever in the whole wide world. a shoot that you wouldn't even wish upon the people you hate in film production class the most. whatever could've gone wrong, went wrong. then everything that was already wrong about the shoot, went even further wrong. it was a double double of misery, stress and setback.

not even mentioning the facts about holdin' it in for like seven hours since where you're filming has no running water and the sleep deprived induced insanity of me wandering around the set mumbling out pimp c's verse from "big pimpin'," as an answers to questions: 'where do you want these c-stands?' me: 'if i wasn't rappin', i still be ridin' mercedes'. although, there were moments when i started to talk in the special music video verse by jay-z for the song, too.

but on the bright side, only two out of three people got shocked when moving plugged in extension chords across a field while it was raining. and of course, you just know that your humble narrator was one of those two. and i really perfected my impression of robert de niro in the deer hunter, too.

not to mention, i probably did what could've been the slyest hand off of a phone number in the history of the whole wide world, if i hadn't thought of it like two minutes after giving this babe a coupon for a free meal at wahoos.

so boys & ghouls, bear with me for a moment. i've got a lot done, but i still got a lot of bullshit left to deal with. and if you aren't ready, watch a bunch of pretty people engage in manual labor and stress out in model citizens and listen to that new ashanti song, 7 aurelius may look like a broke ass andre3000 & prince (andre3000, in a way is just another broke ass version of prince) in the hype video and that parts of the beat especially the riff sound like he stole it from ratatat, but at least it's the first ashanti song without: "oh baby" or "aw baby" in the hook.

and if you're gonna go to the grove to watch the life aquatic this weekend, be sure to bring a bowie cd with you.

and seriously, what's up with the starbucks every 5 blocks in newport beach? the one on pch & bayside, that's the one all the babes go to.

Dec 1, 2004

one step closer

hey obi wan, loosen up your grip up a smidge. there's plenty to go around, so why not share.

dudes, i've completely lost my mind. stress, setbacks, and stepping up to the plate has taken so much out of me. then again, it's like what the dude from starbucks said: "if you're lucky, you only get to spend one day in newport beach and if you're not, you spend the rest of your life here." there's just something unnerving and utterly frustrating about that city and frankly, if i don't

so in other words, i'm out of comission for this week. your humble narrator has too much tap dancing to do. it's either keep on try to juggle all of these things and get an ulcer or kidney stones, which thankfully, we haven't really had since the sixth grade or just keep on livin' and update when i'm sorta sane.

although, we've found somethings that has cheered up us:
-ultragrrlintroduces the world to the magic & awesomitcy ofmcrorie; why are our neighbors to the north just destroyin' everything. first, the arcade fire and now, this!
-finally breaking down and taking everbody's (being mike knab and stereogum) advice and started to listen to joanna newsom. her voice reminds me of being back in kindergarden and first grade, then again, i had a first grade teacher who couldn't really sing and played the electronic harspacord from time to time.

yesterday was steve aoki's birthday. so happy belated birfday and if there's any openings for summer internships at dim mak, can i please work there?

burned by the sun breaks down the whoachella '05 rumours for y'all. if the potential line up is correct, it'll be a good time, but nowhere as good as whoachella '04. although, i wish that the line up for saturday could be as follows:
-rilo kiley
-the arcade fire
-the shins
-death from above 1979
-the secret machines
-tv on the radio
and bowie only if he does the album, "ziggy stardust and the spiders from mars" in full as well as other songs from that era and no new crap.

throw in some more bands like the walkmen, M.I.A., hollertronix, lcd soundsystem, ted leo + pharmacists, bloc party, the kills, joanna newsom, and deltron; instead of those flash in the pans like dogs die in hot cars (seriously who is gonna care about them in february of 05?) then i might go, but right now, its sorta at maybe status.

some say that one of the mary annes on the new gilligan's island has that same vibe which cameran from real world: s.d. had minus the frizzy hair and the frequent punching of dudes' balls; nicole eggert is still hot, yet one of her claims to fame is being on a sugar ray album cover.

criterion to release one of godard's first post new wave films on dvd; so it'll be really experimental and no plot and no anna karina and no cinematography by raul coutard, but i'll still buy it.

and the superficial exposes lindsay lohan's high school days, can we count down the hours until that picturetrail account is closed or removed?

not to mention, go fug yourself just blew my mind and has made me want to quit whatever it is that i do.