the search for cherry red
so as i sat in my house, all sandbagged out in preparation of storm watch 2k6 (dudemeisters, we're already over 2005), i looked at that thing on the right of the screen that said, "babe of the week" and i thought to myself, why haven't i named a babe of the year? i grasp at straws every week to find some girl to put a picture up of, so why not grasp at a handful of more straws.
there's mandy moore, who probably had the best year of any of the late 90s teen pop singers because she got dropped from her label, got violently felt up in public[via uncle grambo], broke up with her date rapist in training boyfriend, can't pump her gas(you gotta scroll a bit, but worth it), was the source of the best joke i wrote in all of '04 and somehow managed to squeeze out an excellent performance in the rather lackluster film, saved!. what else could mandy have asked for this year? other than a way to get back all those hours she spent hanging out with adam duritz and his smelly hair. not to mention, that her nipple slip incident was so under the radar, it felt like nobody really wants to see her naked; she's hotter wearing a pair of jeans and some overpriced styx tour t-shirt from 1982.
while mandy moore had a great year, she also spawned off her own little clones, the mandy moore type. a girl whose cute and funny with enough emotional baggage to fill up two live journal accounts and even a melodramatic. no one better personifies this new trend in babearauses, then angela road rules. with her sassy hair cut and consistent crying fits, what isn't there to love about angela road rules? sure, she could've used a bit less make up and she may take up alot of your anytime minutes with a million calls a day, let alone the text messages, but at least, if you were the dude, you'd feel loved.
the thing about melissa from andy dick's "the assistant" is that she'll take care of you, i mean like really care of you. where as angela is a crazy, call you at 2 in the morning kind of girl, melissa seems like the girl who would lick her fingers and attempt to wipe away the deodorent stains on your t-shirt, which is the true test of a girl. fuck all of those rap songs about down ass chicks who'll wait while their man is in jail or whatevs, now the true test of the downacity of your girl is if she'll look at your shirt, see that you put on too much deodorent or forgot to roll up the shirt as you put it on in the morning and not ask you to change the shirt, but help prevent any impending awkward moments and wipe away deodorent or at least do her best to get rid and just say, fuck it to the situation. it takes more to bend down and spit on a shirt then to wait for some dude in prison or burn edivence on your behalf.
natalie portman actually did some legit acting this year, even though, both of the film were only okay (garden state was harlod & maude and mike nichols basically did a mash up of his own film, carnal knowledge with eyes wide shut without sexy results in closer). her performances were the highlights of each film and it's such a nice break to see act in a real environment as opposed to those created by lucas on some computer in the bay area.
there's this thing in southern california which has been on the lo pro for a while,the early morning stoner white washed asian girl. real world: san diego's jamie is not only the biggest babearaus to be on the show, evers, but she repred hard for the asian girls. gone are the bookish, nerdy girl or the import car model stereotypes which have dominated as of late and say howdy to the new asian stereotype, jamie chung. i mean, to exactly pick out what made jamie so hot; the way she doesn't know how to speak korean, so she's never really had a conversation with either of her parents or the fact that she really wasn't on the real world that much which leads to this thought train of 'oh, what scandalous things did she do that could've been show on the air?' or 'man, she must be so boring that she'd probably be into a blogger like me'. or could've been that mugshot from the time she got arrested in riverside?
while we've all checked out sites like burning angel(nsfw) and suicide girls(nsfw) now and then to maybe some cute scene girls sans pants or whatever. but evey now and again, there'll be some girl with nice knobs but with an awful purple mohawk and a giant gbh tat on her back, not the most attractive thing in the planet. and you see here's where polaroid scene aka the cobra snake comes in; suicide girls and burning angel are sorta like the playboys & penthouses of scene girls, but polaroid scene/the cobra snake is like some terry richardson-ized version of maxim. you get all of these cute scene girls in their element and it only inspires people to come out to clubs as opposed to spending numerous late night hour doing some mystalking. all the cute scene girl photo have this slight sleazy quailty with their hair all across their face and a drink in their left hand, it's hot. it sorta points out that yeah, the local music scene in la is in the shitters, but at least, there are babes.
and our hip tips for any potential babes in '05: fuck your pointy heels, wear some black flats instead; wearing big heels when you're five feet nothing is like lying and nobody likes a liar these days. fuck your flip flops and slippers, your feet are gross, so cover them up with some flats or go for that innocent look with a pair of chucks or vans slip ons. tone down the make up just a smidge, it's like when i told the head cheerleader to take down from an 11 to about a 7 during the football game; we can still see ya, but all that eye shadow sometimes comes off as a bit creepy. and if you have short hair, grow it out and let your spirit be free; fuck your big robert smith hair because that's the last thing dudes are looking for. fuck your giant old lady sunglasses, unless you're the girl from the bravery video or high on coke. basically, can we create some sorta uniform code for the girls on the blow this upcoming year? those gigantic old lady/hot rod todd from le shok glasses and some cowboy boots will become the new red bandana in right front pocket(nsfw).
and if you're some girl with long hair, a pair of flats and some satin trousers, you're stoked, yet worried because i'm probably following you around at the mall.