first and formost, we're not ones to be all excited and racking the brain to come up with some clever zinger about paris hilton getting engaged to paris, the boyfriend (the only thing i came up was that paris hilton will probably name her child after the expression, "that's hot" or at least some varation on that but in a different language. "yeah, these are my twins, quello è and caldo, which means 'that's hot' in italian, cause you know they're hot" and secondly, her kids are gonna end up looking like steven cojocaru). the day that paris hilton falls off a cliff and right into the pacific ocean, i'll be excited; i'll have more than something to say, but you never can tell. it's odd though, one of the local news station teased the story of paris hilton's engagement as if it was earth shattering news. they said something like, "paris hilton makes a major change in her life," and me being the hateful person that i am, hoped that it was she was converting to islam or retiring the expression, 'that's hot,' but it's like, 'nah, she's getting married.' so friends and neighbors, brace yourself for months and months and months of paris hilton marriage stories. i think in the fall, i'm gonna take all night classes, just to avoid the extra access insider entertainment tonight news daly stories.
geez, does anybody know if e! had giuliana depandi break into regularly scheduled programming again to announce the news of paris hilton? i can imagine somebody in the midst of their "dr. 90210" marathon being just so bummed that they intreputed that one doctor talk about how he's brazilian for like the 9 millionth time.
but anyways, that's the point i'm trying to make. if anything, i want to talk about tom cruise. you see, i'm a little late to the big stories of the world because i'm too busy teaching scarism to travis barker fans and making phoney profiles on iranian personals. probably heard it before and the conclusion has already been made by you, but i honestly believe that tom cruise is having a mid life crisis and he's on the drugs. the young woman on his arm and i can safely assume that he drives some redonklicous sports car or at least he recently got his prius pimped out, you know 40 inch rims, tom loves katie license plate bracket and on the interior, leather with, "tom-kat 4eva" switched on the head rests and the only dvds he watches in are "dawson's creek" seasons 1 through 4; he's not that much into season 5; clearly signs of mid life crisis,yet he's only 42. i guess it makes sense, but you know, tom cruise makes alot of money, so what would be the problem? his old publicist said he can't talk about scientology in interviews? he fired his old publicist so he could talk about scientology with billy bush and look like rick james on "chappelle's show.' you know that part where rick james says he didn't stomp on eddie murphy's couch, then like two seconds later, he said he did, and you know those immortal words, 'cocaine is a helluva drug,' i swear, i saw or at least heard tom cruise do something on par with rick james when defending scientology with billy bush. the dude is a trip and frankly, he's on some sorta drug. i mean, cruise is talking about how he gives out his phone number to people so they can call him and you know, talk to their problems and you know, he's probably up all night, doing lines and ordering swords on the internet, watching his phone like the chick in audition and there is in fact, somebody in a burlap sack next to him; probably emilo estevez. katie holmes in the corner, crying as she watches like vanilla sky for 10th time that day while he shouts, "that's my best work!" over and over again. you may not believe me now, but just wait until you see the horror scene on a&e and how much more creepy its gonna be when narrated by bill kurtis.
related, i've always wanted to do an audio version of skeet on mischa, but not read by me because i would rewrite it as i read it, so instead, maybe somebody like kcrw's tom schnabel. call me crazy but i think the calm, relaxed, easy listening voice of tom schnabel would do just incredible justice to something like this. of course, i'd have to spell check things (i rue the day that i have to spell cehck what i write), edit down the swears (it's true, it's bit of a poty mouth scene here) and explain what slang terms mean. "hey, doug, good stuff here, but what exactly does skeet mean?" "ah thanks. what's that, tom?" "skeet on mischa, does it stand for anything?" "ummm, tom, it's sorta top secret. can't really explain it; too long of a story and we just have this one last voice over to do and we're done for the day. maybe another time, okay?" then he'd bang out that last v.o. in a single take cause he's a pro and i'd cross my fingers, hoping he'd never bring it up ever again. so, like tom schnabel or cindy burke, who used to my voice of reason and sanity while stuck in 5 o'clock traffic on the 5, but i don't know where she went. so those two or like hot rod todd, formerly of le shok & neon king kong, because you know, what's he got going on?
oddly further related, while researching the accurate spelling of scientology, i found this thing on communication and frankly,it's worth a look to see a scared dude play catch while wearing a blue shirt and standing in front of a blue screen. hello new myspace profile photo! (myspace.com/skeetonmischa; if you don't believe me)
i'm not signing off on the mtv vj, susie. for me, she seems sorta like a broke ass version of bet's julissa and basically for as much as love as i got for julissa, julissa in a sense is basically bet's version of idalis, but like julissa has this certain public access tv show host quality to her; she's always fumbling over her cue cards and running out of breath, it's awesome.
once again, just putting it out there, my friend, robin brown, the director of johnny benson's adventures in the blogosphere(check the side bar for the trailer) has graduated from film school and if you're a member of a local band or an indie band with money and a desire to make a music video, hire him. his film, johnny benson may have been about lcd soundsystem, but dude is about death cab jawns as well. so if you want a good lookin' video and probably a smidgen of publicity from me (i'd probably end up p.a.-ing the thing), hire him to make your video. so if you see robin brown at cinescape or the beauty bar in the next few weeks, buy him a drink and say that you want to be in the robin brown business.
another friendly reminder and this sorta snuck upon me the other day, it's beach/pool party/hot tubbing time of the year, so indie dudes be fair warned that may be situations where you may have to take off your shirt. so get comfortable with your body quickly because it's even more suspect if you go swiming with your shirt on. i mean, who are you, my cousin curtis? the elusterious security guard of a shampoo factory. don't be that guy, let your spirit free like i did at this one rapture show many moons ago where i walked in front of the la cool kids without a shirt, covered in sweat. i mean, somebody has got to say, 'fuck you' to the modern conventions of what we call, 'beautiful' today. so the indie dudes be the ones without their shirts on, i'll be the guy with the reverse mullet, and the hot girls will be coming home with us, right?
my new favorite anaheim angels (fuck this la business) player is jose molina simply cause his up to the plate is some reggaeton, while i do apperciate adam kennedy's use of 2pac & dr. dre's "california love" and new shortstop orlando cabrera's multiple 50 cent songs, i just like the reggaeton a wee bit more. although, steve finley's music has got to go; i mean, "sledge hammer" by peter gabriel? that's not scary. why not use some morrisey while you're at? if i were a pro player, i'd want to walk out to either "regin in blood" by slayer, "straight outta compton" by n.w.a, specifically, mc ren's verse (d-o-u-g spells doug, but i'm raw), or "kiss of the octopus" by the blood brothers; i figure these songs would make me seem crazier and a bit of a wildman. where as if i walk out to "sledge hammer," there' too much pressure to have a good at bat and knock something out the park; if you strike out, it just makes the whole thing one big comedy scene. some 'sledge hammer' he's got, insert snickers and giggles here.
and finally, over this memorial weekend, i learned that i will become that bitter, cranky old man who'll call the cops on the party a few doors down when i grow up. it's not like i hate kids, it's just that, they're terrorists and i worry that little becky on her razor scooter is gonna hit a rock in the road and land head first into my car. kids can be cool at times, but you know, when they start a soccer game in the car ports and car alarms go off every five minutes when there's a big green belt a mere 200 feet away just begging to be ran upon. the kids are our future, but it's not a bright future when they're engaged in a light saber and water fight on your front lawn and really close to your recently washed car. call me crazy, but why do these kids have to make their base camp my front lawn and make feel like the bad guy when i take my dog out front so she can go potty. i'm not asking much, i'm just want my lawn back. don't these kids have their own lawns to play on and their own parents' newly washed cars? why can't they potentially scratch up mommy & daddy's car? in my neighborhood, there are two fairly decent size green belts which are beyond ideal for playing their little light saber duels and kick the ball games on, but they just go unused by these kids for some unknown reason. do their parents believe that it would be better for the children to whip around the block, in and out of car ports and onto the street where they could get hit by a car? i saw some kid get hit by a car while it was backing out a few weeks ago and the kid got hit because he was crusing willy nilly in the car port area. yeah, it is the driver who has to pay the most attention to what's going on, but you can't account for some kid who was going one way, but just all of sudden, decides to go the other way, then boom. what is so wrong with a green belt? it has grass and it's located near the house and there are no cars that will run anybody over; it's not like the island on "lost" or something. then these kids while running wild in the car ports, set off car alarms and haul ass. like the other night, these kids across the street were kicking the ball and hit one of the cars located in the car port by my house and i went outside, to check on my car cause you know, i highly doubt the next pele, let alone the next cobi jones lives across the way. so i look over to see who kick the ball over and i see this kid hiding underneath his parents' suv, so i wouldn't yell at him or something. instead, i just held his soccerball for a while, then i put the ball next to my patio door and i thought about standing behind the door, waiting for the kid to pick up his ball, then i would soak him with a hose. but i showed restraint; i held back because my fear of confrontation from the child's parent. yeah, i'm not good one on one; i'll diss you and lack of parenting skills on the internet, but face to face, peace means see you later. don't these parents see the problem of their kid kicking a ball around a parking lot or is it going to take tommy slamming that soccer ball in the brand new navagitor for the parents to wake up and see that green belts are much safer.