a seperate piece
dear young hollywood,
how do i become a member of your little incestious sewing circle? week after week, i'm baffled by the random nature of the hook ups and coupling and more or less, it just seems if you want to get with a mischa barton type or a paris hilton type, you simply have to get into lax, say that you have a band or a guest spot on an episode of "one tree hill," and that your dad is the guy who sits next to nicholson at lakers games. also, it doesn't hurt that you dress like a reject from a lynard skynard cover band.
if my letter seems to be an attack on cisco adler, you're mistaken, young hollywood. i'm just using mr. adler as an example. it just seems to me that you have no really talent or skill to be apart of your click and frankly, i'm just about as untalented as the best of them in your running crew. the other requirement to be apart of your party crew appears to be, the ability to be a garish dresser and i think i can do that, i am a man who managed to stand out on campus on several thousand students while being a bright pink button up on a gray day. although, i'll strive to avoid looking like the ed hardy store threw up on me, but if its what it takes to be apart of your crew, then sign me up. i have such a passion and fondness for the dirt bag chic and think it's so cool to drop what amount to a single semester tution at state college on vintage tees and designer jeans on roberston blvd. young hollywood, i'm willing to compromise on my principles just a bit to fit in with you guys. while i won't give up my beloved tommy burgers, i'll learn to eat less and less, so the bug eye shades will look even bigger on my emanucated face.
the compromising does not stop at the clothing and the whole eating thing, i'll even compromise on my comedy standards. if it helps me to get in your good graces, i'll say that ashton kutcher is the funniest person in hollywood. he's genius, i mean how awesome is doing mean spirited pranks to fellow celebrities who'd probably sue him if there wasn't a camera crew? wilmer valderona, he's hilarious. and guess what? i love page six and think paula forlich is the bee's knees. and i can say all of these things with convinction and phoned in pride. also, haylie duff is really talented and she's gonna be a break out star.
now, if you're wondering why i'd like to paratake in your reindeer games, well, it's like this, the women, you know the attractive ones and even some of the unattractive ones, well, it just seems like they get trade around like they were recently leaked songs from the new strokes album and it just seems like trust fund dirt bag wanna be can get into the lane bryants of the new 'it' starlet. and if one greek shipping heir bombs out with her, then like three weeks, the son of like menahem golan is dating her, then it's like chad michael murray two months later. people always complain that there's not alot of orignial thought in hollywood and its extremely evident in who you guys date. so if you can find a place in your heart for a lovable loser like myself to party with y'all at element, it'd be super cool. i mean, for pete's sake, you guys let the king of the slime balls, joe francis party with y'all. so why not the kid who ocassionally writes a funny joke at your expense and really needs to learn how to spell check.
i think the day that i'm not shouting out asian hipster cuties, that's the day i'm hanging up the old 'skeeting' cap. although, it should be noted i felt a bit left out when i read that la times piece on the cobrasnake a week ago. sure, this particular blog isn't that well known, but i dunno, i thought i could've provided a decent quote about the whole cobrasnake phenomona (although, that article would've been more relevant in say april or may of this year); you know, i'm not as useless as a girl without an ass wearing gaucho pants
look you need to have an ass to wear these pants; well, i guess this isn't the greatest example, but i've seen my fair share of girls who should not have been rocking those gauchos. besides, leave the gauchos to the real gauchos
anybody else scared of people in carpenter jeans? i mean, like if its just a regular person and they're wearing carpenter pants and its albertacos, i dunno, i get a bit sketched out. i mean, why do they need pockets that are so big and what not? you know, they're just some dude.
bob saget, in addittion to being a dirty comic enjoys standing to next tiny women
can anybody explain why the media, i mean, cokey o'brien are flipping out over that those dudes from england visiting new york city? wow, it's an ugly british man and his ugly wife. big whooop. now, if the two of them came to america and did an episode of "extreme makeover" then it'd be interesting, but they're just the same as every other english person who visits america, cept they may not be hanging out with divine brown.
i'd say something about the new juelz mixtape, but i'm not at the point where i'm super comfortable listening to music yet. i'm still in sad songs or the clash on the ipod stage and talk radio when i'm making the drive phase. i mean, it's juelz, it's the dips and the third part of the 'back like cooked crack,' series. so you know, it'll be juelz talking about how 'ey' is the new word and green lantern yelling 'invasion' during your favorite part of the song. so in other words, check it out.