the babes o' 05 part 4
so here we are, the final piece of the babes o' 05 puzzle. its been quite a ride, if i may say so. now, i'm going to talk about the women from robin brown's film, johnny benson's adventure in the blogosphere. i'm not writing this up to talk my friend's film and talk about how you have to see it (well, if you're a skeetaholic, you'll probably want to see it since there's a character loosely inspired by yours truly), the significance of johnny b for this year in babes not only is it a prime example of diversity in babeness as well as a learning tool on why you should populate your student with aspiring actors instead of your goofy buddies, but johnny b was the birthplace of one of my catch phrases, "outta control." now, if you're a skeetaholic, then you're extremely familiar with the expression, "she's outta control" as well as its sister term, "she's outta hand," and the awkward and mildly creep, "a sticky situation," and what they mean. well, it was on set, to be more specific, it was the day that we shot the scene featured above, that "out of control," came to me, since i lack subtle most of the time, i was trying to figure out a way to talk about how much of a babe this babe was without her knowing, so i just shouted, "this whole thing is out of control," then i went as far as writing a note to robin brown about giving a warning to people the next time somebody that outta control was going to be on set. i think he was too focused on finishing that weekend's set ups to listen to the ramblings of an insane man. yet, all i can really say about the birth of outta control is that it sorta died for me when this happened. is it being dissed on the internet or should i chalk it up to being such a boring person that i'm easily forgotten by outta control girls.
onto the concept of diversity, now this little movie has every kind girl for every kind of guy. from the cobrasnake regular hipster heartbreakers to asian cuties who go on to be regulars on upn shows who consistently brought up how "arrested development," which at the time was in its second season, so we were still hopeful, then the are the girls who roll up in sketchy costumes and give off that christina aguerilla vibe, yet turn out to be really nice and even show up to set after being in a car accident and there are the girls who at first, don't seem to be that attractive and tell you about how they photographed by terry richardson, then like when you watch the movie, you're like wow, they're kinda hot; you know delayed reaction status. and that's just barely scratching the surface on the beauty of using aspiring actresses to be in your student film. sure, it'll take some work, alot of work to get them to take their tops off, if you're into that, but frankly, that's like trying to find a decent parking spot at the mall, the day after the christmas. these sites like breakdown express (watch the video demo) are kinda like dating services. you know, put a part, a few days later, you get a couple of responses and for once in your life, it'll be justified to be a wee bit shallow. you're allowed to be a lookist because you have the ability to set up or the key word in this statement should be, try to set up audition dates with a bunch of outta hand girls. will they show up? who knows? but, hey, it'll be exciting. which one is going to show up?
i remember when i did this last year, i talked about how cowboy boots should be the new gay bandana; if the girl was rocking those pink little boots, then we all knew she's a fan of the snowman, but you go to the mall today, tomorrow or whenever, you'll see some 6 year old girl cruising around in a pair of boots with her mom, whose trying way too hard to be jessica simpson. now, i can't really believe a girl that young would have a nose candy problem as bad as lohan. yet, here's my thing, moms, you've had a couple of kids and sure, they might be 4 and 5, but it doesn't give you the license to continue to dress like jessica simpson. you're a mom, dress like a mom and don't force your daugthers to dress like nicole riche either; she's not a tea cup pooddle or whatever the new celebrity pet accessory is this week. let a kid rock some jams with blueberry stains. i mean, what kind of monster are you creating when you instill the vitrues and values of rocking a juicy sweatsuit in a small child? let the kids be kids and moms should just be moms.
probably my big for '06 is this, let's stop the aspiration or inspiration to be like jessica simpson or like nicole riche or like the girl on cobrasnake or like paris hilton. you know, just be yourself or if you will, to quote/parapharse robin quivers from the howard stern show, "rock the real." and by rocking the real, i don't mean your louis vitton bag or panda bag or dulce and grabana bag; i'm not going to be that girl on "tyra" and bust your shit for rocking counterfits and bootlegs cause that stuff is expensive and if you get by, with a phoney bag, more power to you. but let us stop this upscale emulation of vapid, boring, shallow girls who probably spend enough money to put a couple of kids through a state college for a semester in a single shopping spree on roberston blvd. those people aren't good people.
while on the subject, can we in '06 make the effort to call people like kim stewart and nicole riche, what they really are? the daugthers of rod stewart and lionel riche. sure, these women are a bit embarrasing to be assciated with the man who sang the classic, "maggie may," but frankly, it's even sadder that we're in a culture where people refer to rod stewart as kim stewart's dad or even worse, lionel riche as nicole riche's dad. what perverse world are we living in when the man who wrote "brick house" plays second fiddle to an anoxeric in bono's old sunglasses? i know that we all have our new year's resolutions, but if you can fit in there somewhere in your list, it'd be great. what's the line that herman blume said: "take dead aim on the rich boys. get them in the crosshairs and take them down." its a good quote, but it doesn't really work for what i'm trying to convey, but you kinda get the point and if anything, it'll maybe make you pick that dvd of rushmore and watch it; i think i might watch it tonight.
and finally, lets try to bring back those phoebe cates, edwige fenech type of actresses to the movies. the actresses that while they were in the prime, took their top offs at least once or twice during the movies. i know that the film market of today is primarily based on dvd sales, so we can those awful commercials for dukes of hazard: too hot for the theaters version, which just has like what, a couple of topless chicks, but you know, its nobody you care about or heard about. but the phoebe cates would have her little toploose scene or a scene where's she wearing next to nothing, but who does that nowadays in the crop of young hollywood? kierra knightley uses a body double, boourns! well, i guess, if you squinted and you adjust the constrast of the vidcaps in photoshop, you could've sorta made a nipple on that mischa b nip sip incident from a few weeks ago, but does that really count? what's with all of this actresses you know taking their work seriously and going on binge diets and making albums with god awful and unnecessary cheap trick covers and getting porclein veeners which make them look like the monster at the end of evil dead 2. you know what happened to the whole notion of wanting to break that good girl image by being naked in magazines and movies, instead you know, they're dating jared leto and guys from good charlottee; wow, awesome. and it doesn't even matter and i apologize, if you feel like i've been here before, seriously though, it doesn't matter, the shelf lives of these young actresses won't be that long; what truly great thing have they done? true, mean girls was an amazing film, but what else has lindsay lohan to make us remember in 10 years from now? we're still talking abot phoebe cates in fast times... and that was in '82. okay, maybe its just me talking rather loudly, but still where are these moments in the movies today?
babes to watch for in '06
-leigh lezark, the girl from misshapes. to me, she's like the nike swoosh of hipsters. its not hip unless she signs off on it or at least co signs.
-nadine velazquez is probably the second best thing about the show, "my name is earl,". i've finally warmed to "earl," and believe its pretty good, but you can't knock a show which has a latin girl dancing around to young mc like half the time.
-odette yustman, well, i've never seen her act in anything; i just saw her picture while combing through getty one day and i dunno, its nice.
and finally, i just want to say thanks to anybody and everybody whose been eagering and actively reading this saga. sorry that it fizzled out at the end, but you know, it is what it is, and i sincerely apperciate you stick with it. thanks a bunch.