&t skeet on mischa: 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006

skeet on mischa

i wouldn't have given you it if i didn't agree

Jun 28, 2006

Pink Turns to Blue

So last week, I saw photos of Kate Bosworth at the premiere of Superman Returns (Thursday night, IMAX 3-D, dudes) and I thought the girl looked like Bowie in Nicolas Roeg’s The Man Who Fell to Earth (if you’re into smoking illegal substances and watching movies, then this one has to be the tipy top of your list). Yet here, she is today, still looking a little bit too skinny; the baggy pants only help the anorexic claims, but you know, she looks cute. Pretty cool graphic on her tee and shiny blonde hair perfectly telling the rest of the world that those Californian blondes really do do it better than everybody else.

I’m still working on my review of Nacho Libre; not that it requires that long of a review. It’s just that I need to find new points to make because Passion of the Weiss pretty much nailed it. I will say this though; it does not hurt one’s film going experience to watch the film with a bunch of kids from summer camp. Just unsure how everybody will be able to pull that off unless you're a dirty bag or a camp counselor.

Friends don't let friends wear tevas. Friends lend friends their Pavement CDs or at least make mix tapes of Pavement.

Pig tails and she’s drinking what appears to be a Negra Modelo? I guess God really is a dude after all is said and done. She’s probably wearing wedge sandals, too. Wedge sandals are the best part of summer.

Does anybody know if any new stuff from The Rapture leaked on line yet? I remember back in the day, I think I was the only person who didn’t have a copy of their last album, “Echoes,” six months before it came out. I mean, even a poor, rough mix that leaked copy of the new TV On the Radio album, which, probably is my third favorite album of the year, thus far.

A friend of mine told me the other day that rooting for Brasil in the World Cup is like rooting for the Yankees, but it’s like this, I’m rooting for Brasil because the country has given so much to the world. Remember last year when everybody was freaking out over Baile Funk? That was from Brasil and it made you dance a couple of times. It’s the country that gave us Adriana Lima and the film, City of God, so why not root for them? Of course, one could go the heritage and linage route and root or as we’d say back in the grade school days, vote for the countries where your ancestors came from. Where’s the fun in that though? Pick and cheer for the countries that make interesting art or have laws that you wish your current country have.

Besides being the summer of the wedge sandal, it’s the summer of talking too loudly. At a baseball game, Robin Brown was sitting to these ladies who were probably pissed that they got rejected from both “The Real Housewives of Orange County” and “Tuesday Night Book Club” talking about sex with ugly guys. It was a situation where it got so bad that we moved, but then they got offended by the fact that we moved, that they moved.

Then when I was getting a smoothie today, I waked by this really weird conversation; like I was concerned enough to entertain the idea of interjecting and being like one of those cool guys in a beer commercial that helps a girl out of a bad date by making some witty one liner, but if anything, I’d be the guy getting the drink spilled on them. And you know when you walk by some body engaged in a conversation, you pick up on certain fun words to tell your friend later; oh the funny conversations the people who sit behind me must have afterwards, but the words were really startling like: “You break me down,” and now, I’m concerned and probably be combing through the papers about any incidents at the Irvine Spectrum.

Catch on (Rachel Bilson’s) backside and yes, I know that was rather creepy.

Jun 27, 2006

Trading Spaces

This may be the only tale I’ll tell from my vacation only because it emphasizes why I rarely leave the cuddly confines of Southern California. Shit, I have issues with visiting certain parts of Southern California (fuck the 91 freeway). Perhaps, it’s my O.C.D. or my A.D.D. or the fact that I hate not knowing where anything is. You know, I’ve finally figured out where everything is or at least most of the things I like and my little parking secrets. And at home, are the people who’ll give me a ride every now and then to places where I can’t deal with parking.

Also, the past couple of months, I’ve started this really weird diet with the cornerstone of it being fruit. Now, I know this sounds like a lot of whining and truthfully, most of it is, but bear with me for a moment. And the other cornerstone of my diet is water. I’m one of those assholes who has to have a water bottle with them at all times and believe you mean me, it has gotten me into some trouble in the past. Picture me, bored, watching what seemed like an endless loop of senior films. So naturally, I decide to pull the label off the bottle. The thing about the labels on Fiji Water bottles and I assume that the new fake celebrity best friends, Eva Longoria & Jessica Simpson can attest to this, but when you pull the back label off the bottle, it feels really good over your fingers; like rubbing fingers over the grooves on vinyl. So being bored, I rip the label off and usually, this is a rather quiet process. I did quite often during lectures, but this time, it was a completely different story. In fact, it made the loudest nose in the whole world. It was a movie theater full of family and friends and on screen was four long, tough years of work. So of course, there had to be a loud noise and I just had to say to people that I was bored in fend of the dirty looks, but I probably got more.

But, I’m getting further and further away from the point; I need my water. I need my 5 glasses of water during dinner. I need my liter of water before I go to bed and I need it in the A.M.

So let’s all put this together: I hate to travel and I love my water and went to one of the hottest cities in the country, Atlanta. And some how I managed between night #3 and day #3 to become dehydrated. Now, I’m not blaming the city its self for my health problem. The ATL in addition to being the home of my sister, it’s also the home of some people I respect and admire like Spencer Sloan, T.I.P., and that talent less midget who dates that lady who has single handily set back freedom of speech laws in country, but at the same time, has allowed me to listen Howard Stern uncensored and laugh my head off each day. So I have no real grudges or axes to grind with the city. If there was a nice breeze in Midtown every now & then and if there weren’t a lot of creepy old guys with rather young girls in the luxury level at Turner Fields, it’d be a helluva of a town. It has a wonderful mix of the old and the new, but at the same time, some of the worst traffic, I’ve ever seen.

I understand why people always shit on L.A. because of its traffic, but Atlanta’s traffic is just as bad. Well, any major metropolitan city is going to have shitty surface traffic, but everywhere you go there’s a couple of lanes blocked off cause of construction. Or the street traffic has crawled to a stand still cause the far right and/or far left lane are blocked cause somebody has to picked somebody up or Ups is dropping off a package, but it’s not as bad as attempting to make right turn on the Westside.

From what I saw though, it seems Atlanta is a bit more on the ball with the public transportation. While I did not ride, but they got buses and the subway working for them. Naturally, I assume that there are problems that any public transportation system has that’ll continue to prevent people from making the transition to it.

The city or at least what I saw of it reminded me of the works of David Gordon Green and a tiny bit like Gummo. If I had seen that bunny eared kid skating by while I was at The Varsity, the trip would’ve become an automatic 10. Atlanta is a delicate balancing act between high borrow and low borrow. Make a wrong turn down a one-way street and you may land on the set of “Horse Apples” and then make another wrong turn and you end up in a dark alley with a bunch of math nerds from Georgia Tech.

Then again, turn on the TV and watch back-to-back PSAs from teen pregnancy.

So, the point is this, I got dehydrated and I know that I didn’t drink a lot of water, which again is an mp and not an ap. Yet the heat in that city had a lot to do with my then allying health. It felt as if I was walking under McDonalds heat lamp the whole time. All of the modernization has removed the city any sliver of shelter from the sun with exception to Piedmont Park and Decatur and probably the areas beyond 285, but where I was, there wasn’t a lot of shade. At times, I felt like a baked potato; I had been thrown into an oven and the sun was cooking at a nice 400 degrees for a couple of hours. Don’t they know that a microwave can do the same job and in a shorter amount of time as well.

The tell tale sign that I should’ve picked upon that I wasn’t doing too well in the ATL was that I stopped sweating. It’s an oppressive heat out there and somehow, I managed to stop sweating. To know me and to love me, is embracing the fact that there’ll be huge rings of sweat under my arms as well as a little bit of back sweat (leather seats in the summer time!). For as often as my sweating embarrasses me, I love the fact that I sweat. It’s a normal process and if you have surgery to stop sweating in one portion of your body, it’s bound to find another way out of your body and while it may be a less visible location, it may not be that desirable of a location either. The sweating is a way to keep away the riff raff; the cool kids away from the superficial. So as I was sitting in the luxury level of Turner Field, baking as if I was in EZ Bake Oven because as luxurious as these seats were (I was right next to the press box), there was one gigantic fundamental flaw, no circulation of a breeze at all. And I was sitting and my underarms felt dry and my purple Paul Frank tee wasn’t two different shades of purple either (light & dark purple, most times). For a moment, I was a normal person and it felt kinda cool. And after two years of using a deodorant that supposedly offers 24-hour protection, it would be extremely odd that it’d finally start to work and actually be an antiperspirant (Arrid Extra Dry is full of shit, but at least, it makes me smell good most of the time).

So I woke up the following morning, had some plumbing issues in the bathroom, but I assumed that I could play through the play. You know if I was going to walk away from my brief time in organized sports, it might as well as be play through the pain, but then again, I’m not sure if the flag football coach told us that as much as he told us that he was in the opening scene with River Phoenix in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. You know, I was going to slug it out and just assume that it was probably something I ate at that grease trap known as the Varsity and I needed to re up my fluids. Basically, I needed to do what Drama did on that episode of “Entourage.”

So before I left to grab lunch at the CNN center. Hey, they got a Chick-Fil-A, the Bucks, and a Moe’s as well as beyond life sized photos of everybody’s favorite newsman, Anderson Cooper. So before I left, I quickly drank a liter of Fiji Water and on the way there, polished off another liter. Yet once I got to CNN, I thought that if I don’t eat anything, nothing else will squirt out.

Jump cut to me, sitting at a table, wrapping up a brief phone call with a concerned individual over the state of my health and I needed to use the restroom. Two liters of water in about half hour, so it’d only be natural to hit the bathroom. And for those keeping score know my stance on public restrooms. No fun like my favorite Stooges song, yet this was a dyer situation.

I quickly walk into a stall and attempt to go, but there’s some trouble with the plumbing again and there was a guy cleaning the stall next to me with dustpan and broom. My worst bathroom nightmares were coming to live right before my eyes as this pan and broom were moving closer and closer over the invisible privacy line. And it just sounded so much louder than it had to be. It sounded like that scene in Blood Simple when the guy was dragging the shovel against the highway. After what seemed like an hour, but it was really 10 seconds, the dustpan goes away and the plumbing should return to normal function. Nope. I’d be wrong as something starts to move at the other end of the plumbing spectrum.

Did I mention that I was standing up at that point? It certainly helps. I quickly turn myself around and without thinking; I find instant relief on the toilet. It wasn’t that the bathroom was that dirty or bad shape, but it was perhaps my grossiest bathroom experience. Way worse than the time I had go to use the bathroom during Q & Not U at Coachella a couple of years ago. I say it was gross because I didn’t use a toilet seat cover and I’m a person who in situations where I absolutely have to a public toilet will put about 3 seat covers on. It was spur of the moment and the idea of a seat cover only came to me when the process was nearly complete.

Yet as I looked around the stall, I could not find a seat cover. In the men’s bathroom of the CNN center, I could find no bathroom and of course, looking back at the scene, they were probably behind me, but never the less, no seat covers at all. Perhaps, it was their revenge on me for wearing a shirt with a cartoon rendering of Jane Fonda on it earlier in the week when I took the tour of CNN.

Semi related, the news gathers and gate keepers at CNN or at least one of them reads The Superficial while on the job. So the next time, you watch the news with Daryn Kagan or anybody else in the Atlanta studio just realize that somebody who is researching and fact checking your news on one of the world’s most powerful news outlet probably reads the same blogs as you do. Well, not this one because, we still have too many grammertical errors in spite of using spell check these days.

I left my group at the CNN center because I was in no shape or condition to visit Georgia Aquarium, which I heard was very lovely. I took a cab back to my hotel, drinking more water and poppin’ peptos like I was the ‘later years’ Elvis, clinching tightly to avoid an accident as that Marvin Gaye song that Erick Sermon sampled a couple of years ago played on the radio. It was 10 bucks and I gave the dude a 10 dollar tip. Rushed up to the hotel room, found relief, and crashed onto the bed and attempted to distract myself from my problems with a little bit of “Cheyenne”. As soon as I start enjoy adorable little beads of flop sweat forming on Cheyenne's borrow as a string breaks on a guitar in a country western bar, the cleaning lady busts into the room.

Well, she didn’t bust into the room as much as she knocked on the door a couple of times and said “House Keeping,” and she opened the door before I could get up and open it myself. I should’ve said something, but you know, I figured that opening the door would be as good as saying, “Hold on a moment!” Now, this woman as she entered was scared out of her mind and would it be wrong of me to assume that even after at least a couple of weeks on the job, one would become used to people being in the room before entering the room to clean it. This woman’s reaction, man, it felt like it was both her first day as well as she just witnessed me commit a crime (well, at that point, she hadn’t seen the toilet) and perhaps in her eyes, watching the trials and tribulations of a manufactured pop star is a strong enough offense to be screamed at.

I slowly and surely got my fluid levels up by drinking 5 or 6 liters of Fiji water, 3 liters of Gatorade and a bit of left over rice from the Chinese food I had a couple nights earlier. Sat on a bed, listened to David Cross, watched some World Cup and blocks of what really is my favorite TV show, “Next.”

Before I go on about “Next,” for like the 19th time, I have to say something about World Cup Soccer. When you’re in a hotel room, without a laptop, no Sirius radio, sick and a three hour time difference between your regular text messaging buddies, soccer becomes interesting and down right compelling. Usually, the east coast gets the shaft on the timing of sporting events, namely last week’s NBA championships. All of the games started at 9 and went well past midnight where as on the west coast, games started at 6 and were usually done by 9pm. Yet with all of these World Cup games, the east coast people totally win. Games at 9am, start at 6am over here and quite frankly, soccer will never be thrilling enough to wake up at 6am to watch.

Although, stupid old me just realized that I could just DVR all the games and watch them at my own time and pray that they don’t go into overtime or even the dread penalty kick round like that game between Ukraine and Sweden yesterday. Fast-forward through all the boring shit, the first two hours of it and of course, have the interesting part get cut off.

The public’s perceptions of soccer will only change once they get rid of all these AYSO leagues and youth leagues. It’s a sport that has the image of where everybody even the kid with coke bottle glasses has a moment to shine and play. I’m trying to remember if I’m biting Chuck Klosterman’s article in one of his books and if I am, I apologize for stealing from him, but hey, it’s like my screenwriting professor told me, ‘steal from the best,’ after we watched Sullivan’s Travels. This overpowering image of soccer being a sport where everybody gets a shot is killing its chances in America, not to mention the rather shitty coaching abilities of Bruce Arena. Watching these matches, save for the boring games between two countries with teams of largely pasty white guys, those ones are rather rough and let’s face facts unless we’re one of those nationalities, who gives a shit. But the matches were goals are actually scored and it’s physical match. I was surprised to see the games had so much rough play and at the same time, a lot of bullshit calls by blind referees. If there’s one thing that die hard American sports fan can relate to, it’s bullshit calls by referees and the game on Sunday afternoon was full of them. And to a even greater affect, the commenters let their opinions fly freely without much thought for any potential fall out. And as one watches these games, it’s quickly revealed that soccer is a game that not everybody should play at all, it’s a game that should be only played by skillful men.

Perhaps, the best bit about soccer is that there’s a constant running clock during the halves. 45 straight minutes without timeouts or commercial breaks. Sure, there’d be some delays in the game as dudes roll in the grass, pretending to be hurt, so the rest of their team to get their fluids up, but, what’s even better, the time that had been wasted is made up at the end of each half. I love basketball and all, but it’s a bit of a buzz kill when in the last minute and half becomes a battle of time outs in the fourth quarter. I don’t know, but I’m sorta hooked on World Cup or at least until the Halos get out of the cellar door.

Back to “Next,” it’s a show that I can watch whenever it’s on. There are too many levels to the show, in particular the older or if you will, the classic episodes; it’s like, “I found that girl to be hot? Man, where was my head at six months ago?” Not to mention playing the ‘Great Pumpkin’ waiting game for that episode where the girl pees her pants. I’ve just seen that part, but I have yet to see the full segment. Did she make mention of having to go to the bathroom while on the bus spite the fact that there are bathrooms on the Next bus. These are the hard pressing questions in my life.

I wish my mind was more concerned with matters as to how can I help solve the energy problem and how can I help out more people, but honestly, I’m thinking about how that really old guy with a gross baseball cap on and a long gray “I’m balding” pony tail managed to get this white washed Asian girl with too much make up on but she was wearing slutty shorty shorts and had a black belt in body karate to come with him to a Braves game. I’m wondering why two of the internet predators recently busted on an episode of NBC’s “Dateline,” had really high voices? And for those who saw that piece of “Dateline,” how disturbing/funny was that midget guy?

I’m wondering if the “Guys Gone Wild” videos normally advertise during episodes of “The Colbert Report” or was it just a Comcast cable thing in Atlanta cause you know it was a few days before Pride weekend? One of the perks of taking a break from writing this drivel was the ability to watch “The Colbert Report.” Really stupid statement, but man, is that show funny. I always miss it because I’m either writing the update for the next morning or I’m naturally watching an episode of “Next” or probably sadly seeing Richard Christy’s wang on Howard TV whenever the show is on. I can’t say if the extremely creepy ads for “Guys Gone Wild,” are a normal thing or not. I cringed every time I heard the announcer say, “Dude, Where’s My Pants?”

And sadly, I have a fairly decent grasp of the visual style of those “Girls Gone Wild” videos. It’s really weird to see the same lighting set up for what should be a girl taking an overtly orgasmic shower instead it’s some frat dude whipping his meat around the farm or at least the censor bars saved me from that. How drunk are these dudes and how often are there moments like when Bruno interviewed those dudes on Spring Break (By the by, where’s the Bruno movie? I’ve already seen Borat! and I’m moving on)? And is there a video in the works called “Boner Patrol,” hosted by a stand up comic like Ant?

Another thing I wonder about is do the guys or the women who watch these videos feel just as bad as men do after watching the other videos? We’ve all been there before. Saw the commercials or heard the story about such and such girl from high school being in one of the videos.

Semi related, but more of a side bar, a goody goody girl from my old high school was heard to be in a video or at least, a guy I knew assumed that said goody goody girl may be in the video cause he thought he saw her on the commercial, but really quickly though. And as it turned out, it was the summer and we, well, the guy I knew was friends with the younger brother of the women in question and had heard she was back home. So, we all went over to the guy’s house and just hang out in the pool and hot tub, waiting for her to show up and well, go wild. From what I remember of that day, we just hung out there too long and I ended up missing a friend’s birthday (I didn’t have a set of wheels at the time nor a change of clothes) and the girl that may or may not have gone wild never showed up. As of press time, the matter still remains largely unresolved, but the girl seemed a lot cooler.

For all those high school kids out there, and they seem weird and up tight and may like shitty movies nowadays, but the pretty, all right, smart conservative girl who go away to college will come back a lot cooler. If they stay in state, but it’s like another portion of the state, perhaps more north, then it’s a crapshoot. She may be staying slightly ajar to her home turf cause of boyfriend issues, etc. Yet the ones who go away, the super smarty pants ones come back wild or their mind has finally snapped from the stress of getting good grades and the pressure from parents to do well and learn a new definition of the word, “fun,” including beer busts and listening to !!!. They’re removed from that parent’s watchful eye and they’re finally free.

Then again, they can go the khakis and sweater set route, which could be fun if you’re into that whole scene.

Back to the topic at hand, do gay men and women get into that same shame spiral after watching a video called, “Heat Stroke”? Can they relate to that scene in “Undeclared,” where the guys feel like they want to hang themselves after watching a marathon of the videos? I don’t know how anybody cannot feel that way. I’d love to meet the person who can watch all of these videos and feel good about it.

My mind is a place where few should try to tread unless they’re willing to help things come alive or they’re top-notch style and taste makers because they’d be doing me a big favor. I can’t continue to be a one-man army shouting from the rooftops about the new thing. The new thing is wealth, well-dressed Persian feminist studies majors, naturally.

Back to the ATL for a moment, I wrote most of this while I was nursing myself back to normal as well as rewriting in Word after I got back home. What else was I going to do in between bottles of Gatorade and water? There’s only so much Cheyenne one can watch. I have to admit that Cheyenne was a big inspiration to me while I was getting my fluid levels back to normal. Her wide-eyed optimism in spite of being on a fake reality TV show is really endearing. Nothing is going to stop her and nothing was going to stop me from having solid movements again. Well, I wish had something funnier to say about the matter.

I wish there was a moment as funny as when Dumb Blonde #01 on “The Hills,” entered her weekly work schedule on Outlook. “Start work at 9am, End Work at 6pm.” What a beautiful moment. There’s a new feature added to “The Hills” drinking game, every time that Aundria or Dumb Brunette mentions how she has to work until 6pm, take a shot or pound a beer. Every episode, she somehow manages to make the reference to her quitting time and it seems each week as if everybody has forgotten that the dumb Brunette has to work until 6pm; you know by now, you would assume that her ‘friends’ would know by now. Then again, asking the cast of “The Hills,” to think beyond themselves would be more difficult than getting John Kerry elected again in 2004. And the thing about Aundria on “The Hills,” is that when she’s not on the show, not even for an all too brief but rather necessary hot tub session, the show drags and hits Dullsville, population me, the idiot stupid enough to watch the thing. Her ditzy optimism is what saves the show from simply being 22 minutes of L.C. using an iMAC while wearing calm diggers and a headband (and I’m a headband fan, too).

I love Brent Bolthouse on the show and his improv about wanting that green juice thing as well as the subsequent bit about Dumb Blonde #01 forgetting Brent’s green juice was great and funnier than of the freestyle comedy on that Nick Cannon show. But all of that stuff involving Dumb Blonde #01 aka Heidi is too negative (even for a negative Nelly like me) and too repetitious (even for a repetitious Reid like me). It’s her dream job, but she wants to quit cause its proven to be too difficult even though, it’s an entry level job at one of the best party planning places in L.A. Every entry level job in the entertainment industry is chock full of bitch work for very little money. It’s called paying your dues. Isn’t there a line in Goodfellas, “Everybody takes a beating,” and some times getting people sandwiches in their theoretical beating. I know that too much of my energy and attention is focused on this and I know for the most part, it’s a faux realism, but let’s think about telling an honest and compelling story for once. Let Heidi quit the job and the producers just walk from the situation as if they were a black jack dealer at the end of a shifting and saying:

“All right, young lady, we’re still going to film you and well, this may sound a bit extreme, but I want to put it out there while it may sound slightly rational. Well, I’m not really asking you, your contract says that we can do this, but this is more of a heads up, if anything. Heidi, we’re going to probably film you and your boyfriend having sex one night with night vision cameras. You know there’ll be a point where we’re going to need to make a car payment or the mortgage or a semester of college cause the kid didn’t get the scholarship and this TV business is rather fickle, and well, working at the Ivy may provide for nice tips every once and a while, but there’s nothing quite like the financial security from a ‘home made’ (the producer just did air quotes) sex tape of pseudo celebrities. Remember Rick Solomon? Neither do we, but he’s off somewhere in Fiji, having a blast drinking and surfing each day of his life. Yet with that said, Heidi, yeah, we’re not going to find you another job. We got you in fashion school and you shit all over that. So we get you a job with Brent and that took a lot of leg work (The assistant behind the producer makes the international hand gesture for masturbation) and the promise of a pilot or a spin off involving him and his friend, Danny Masterson. What a nightmare that will be. Do you know how hard it’s going to be find a group of editors who also are Scientologists? Danny believes that anybody who doesn’t understand the principles and teachings of L.Ron Hubbard can’t be trusted to portray him accurately on reality TV. And I know that you know we have something in the pipeline with American Apparel, but that’s season two and I can already imagine all the calls from the people over there about the lack of sex appeal from the potential L.C. ad campaign, let alone the fall out from their regular Vice magazine reading, holier than thou clientele, but hey, it’s bound to happen sooner or later, right? Eight bucks for a singe pair of socks, come on!? Heidi, I’m getting side tracked here, so allow me to pause while I catch my bearings. Oh, that’s right, you’re going to quit Bolthouse, go rock yourself out, but you know whatever job you may have is going to suck. Everybody’s job sucks. Even the head tester at the Puppy Dogs, Fire Works and Ice Cream factory hates his job every now and then. So you know, darling, grin and bear it or can you please make yourself useful and pick me up some pomegranate juice from Whole Foods?”

Anybody else notice that Heidi kinda looks a little bit like Kristin Cavallari before Kristin Cavallari dyked her hair of course or is it just me?

Actually back to the ATL for the reals this time. I couldn’t hang with the food; I’m not used to everything being fried. I’m from California, man. We put avocados on our hamburgers. Fried pickles, fried chicken, and fried fries. My stomach couldn’t handle all of the grease, which leads me to say that I may not recommend the Varsity sadly. It was too greasy, but then again, telling somebody to not go to the Varsity would be like telling somebody to not go to In-N-Out while in Southern California; it’s just something you have to do.

With that said though, I think the place you have to visit while in Atlanta has to be Fat Matt’s Rib Shack. It’s enjoyed by everybody; from gay name dropping aliens from the planet Funktron (Dolce & Gabanna and David Schwimmer?) to work friends who’ll only socialize with each other at work and at Matt’s. Perhaps the greatest ribs, I’ve ever had. You know there’ll be those specials on the Food Network about BBQ cook offs and they talk to the cooks about what makes the perfect ribs and nine times out of ten, they’ll talk about their goal is have meat so tender and juicy that’ll literally fall off the bone. Now, my life, I’ve never been a fan of ribs because well, they’re too messy; too much work and well, most of the Tony Romas in my neck of the woods went out of business. But at the same time, Tony Romas ribs were never that juicy, meat falling off the bone goodness that I’d see on the TV. Too chewy and too much sauce. Yet at Fat Matt’s, for some reason, I knew to order the combo plate and get some of their ribs. Granted it’s called a rib shack, but I knew to get the ribs as soon as I heard the name, Fat Matt’s. And when my food finally came to me and I held up that first rib and the meat was dangling off the bone a bit, I was in meat lover’s heaven. I loved that place so much that I went back a second time before I left. There are probably many great places to eat out there, but for me, there’s really only one, Fat Matt’s and I have seriously consider taking a red eye back out there and getting the ribs or at least, asking if they can do same day FedEx delivery deal. The weather, I can’t deal with. The niceness of the people, I can’t deal with that much, but the ribs, I can deal with.

While driving around town listened mostly to Hot 107.9. Hip hop radio in Southern California is terrible. Granted, the local scene amounts to whatever Kurupt, W.C., Mack 10, Daz, Nate Dogg and maybe Snoop are up to, but you know, if you’ve heard one Battle Cat beat, then you’ve heard them all. So the radio out here isn’t that region specific. You know you’re more like to hear a new Kayne tune over a Too $hort tune. Well, Julio G would slip some west coast stuff here and there, but it’s mostly whatever is the big commercial tune with Akon singing the hook. Come on, Power106 has West Coast Wednesday, when everyday should be West Coast Wednesday. That’s the thing I dug about Hot 107.9. All I heard was just south stuff. No Kanye, no shitty Busta Rhymes songs and it was great. Granted, they play a lot of Yung Joc and I’m not sipping that kool-aid yet; probably never will and the station is really into this promo they cut from their morning show using Chris Brown or some dude who sounds exactly like Chris Brown singing about their morning show over the “Run it!” beat, but at least that I heard a bit of local stuff too. And, honestly, not a lot of snap records. Sure, they blaze 18 in a row, but I may have missed songs 2 through 7 and there could’ve been a D4L tune in their somewhere, but I didn’t hear it. I think everybody out there is into that Da Great Yola and the song, “Aint Gonna Let up” (which is the song of the moment, right now). It’s a local guy and he’s just complaining over some steel drums, which is something that doesn’t come through enough of the Atlanta rappers stuff. Coke rap is complaining, but you know, why aren’t they complaining about the heat more often?

And that’s all I can think about to say about my time in Atlanta right now. I got sick. Lovely city. Screen on the Green is pretty cool; saw Baton Bob; good, solid times.

I missed California too much though. I’ve eaten Mexican food three days around; putting the lbs back on. I missed the rudeness and the shitty freeways. I missed the sushi restaurants with waitresses that look like a better version of Johanna from “The Real World,” and a thumping soundtrack of early 2000s Neptunes beat and a smidge of classic Nas (nobody cared when a track from “Illmatic,” came on; they just want “Ouchie Wally,” Nas; I don’t eat sushi, it was a friend’s birthday party. I left and went down half a block and eat tacos at Taco Loco). Which brings to me another thing I love about California, I love going to places like Taco Loco and casually ease dropping on a guy in his late 30s hit on a couple of 19 year olds with dreads and asking if they want to go up the block to smoke in his house. I’m sure that probably happens in Athens, but you know, to me, Nuevo Hippies mingling with old guys looking for a easy lay just feels like a strictly Californian activity.

Nicole Richie wants to be like Mireille Darc in Godard’s seminal Week-End. Not sure if that’s the way to win back DJ Am since I heard on the radio that AM is pounding Aria Giovanni[NSFW] these days. Talk about a quantum leap; wonder if Am consulted with both Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell before making the upgrade. Although, if Nicole Richie wants to date film nerds, she’s totally going to win them over now.

I’m not sure what’s the hard sell as of late: finding people that’ll go watch Superman Returns in Imax 3-D or finding people that’ll go to the Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young Show or finding people to go to the Massive Attack/TV on the Radio show.

One of my personal favorite films, Argento’s Suspiria may be getting the anime remake treatment, which I’m already calling bullshit on if they don’t use music by the Goblin in it.

Haylie Duff is not only this generation’s Sarah Jessica Parker, she’s also the reason why many young children will have trouble sleeping at night in the next couple of years. Talk about a face for horror movies.

And finally, I have managed to take a picture that just hints at the magic and beauty of what truly and really is the best show you’re not watching, “Estudio 2” because I don’t know how many of you live out in Southern California. There’s a midget wearing a Popeye contest fighting with another guy on the show, not to mention, like 20 super hot Hispanic dancers off on the sides and there are random characters that live in cages on the show, too. Like a Mafia gangster guy who escorts the bad singers off the stage and a mariachi guy who help sings with the good ones, it doesn’t make sense, but when the mafia guy is yelling to get out o f the cage, it’s hilarious.

Jun 26, 2006

You Talk Way Too Much part '89

Back in California and well, the tale(s) from Hotlanta is taking a bit longer to scribble down than I thought it was going to. Too much to say, I guess. I’ll say this though, to save people some time, I did not see Young Jeezy, nor T.I. nor Spencer Sloan. When ever I hear that people recently went to Long Beach or live in Long Beach, I always ask if they’ve seen Snoop even though, Snoop lives in Carlsbad or somewhere in the Inland Empire where the acreage is cheap! So I naturally assumed that people would ask if I saw the ‘It’ ATL celebrities.

I did however eat amazing ribs and it's all about Da Great Yola, but I’ll just save the rest for later.

The episode of “Entourage,” from a week or two ago where they go to the Valley was amazing, but last night’s episode was really shitty. Besides, doesn’t anybody else think that the “Aquaman” movie failing would be funnier than it be successful? I assume that they already did an arc about one of Vince’s movies failing, but come on, it would be funnier to see them fail again. It just feels too convent that the movie is a hit. I thought this was HBO, not a Fox or CW show. The music supervisor for that show must take whatever fat check he gets from major labels to put their music on the show because there is some of the worst music out there right now on “Entourage” each week. Just completely random and awful music cues. Fort Minor, honestly? For the scene where Ari smashes Lloyd’s statue. Let’s think more out of the box or at least get that extra dollar and get clearance to that song by the Zutons, you know that “Pressure, Pressure,” song. It’s probably been used already on the show, but I’ve never watched the first season and most of the second season.

Just a friendly reminder, Katharine McPhee has nice boobs and I hope that she goes on Stern, so we’ll see a midget fly.


I wish I had more to say about this one, but I think the old guy in the corner with the glasses best describes my reaction. I’m sorta surprised, but at the same time, I have the reaction that Mischa Barton has; the faked laughter, stilted conversations about the same things over and over again (“Yeah, Cis, that’s really going to help break through on radio by playing free show after free show at places like UCI; KUCI has broken so many bands, my dear.”)[I assume that’s what Mischa Barton says]

Don’t you hate when you have shuffle on iTunes and the song sorta sounds like My Morning Jacket, but you check it and it’s only a Band of Horses. It’s a bit of a disappointment, too. What’s even worse is I think I’ve already made this same joke a couple of times already. Shit. It’s too hot today.

I was listening to DJ Drama on the radio the other day and he started to play this amazing version of the song, dare I even say, my favorite song of the year so far, well “Playhouses” by TV On The Radio and “Cannon”. But anyways, this version of “Cannon” had all of the good verses from the various versions of the song and the Busta Rhymes verse as well, but you know, it was all edited together al la Marley Marl’s classic, “The Symphony,” and I want to make the comparison that like all of these girls in a car together is sorta like the “Cannon” mega mix with like Weezey, Freeway, T.I. and I want to believe Detroit Red made the song as well. And you know, Busta Rhymes is sorta like the Cobra Snake taking the photo. It doesn’t really make that sense, but you know, somebody has to sing the hook

Jun 22, 2006

A Ball & Bisquick

Currently, having a ball in the ATL right now and yes, the pun is intended. As it stands, there's about 12 hand written pages of material thus far, but mostly it deals with one single subject. And well, there's been a lot of singing that song by Cheyenne, who has become my new favorite person, by the way. Yet every time, i start to sing it, I break into "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne as well.

Should be back to normal on Monday, but I'm not making any promises.

It should be noted that when I said "Mavs in 6," I actually meant Heat in 6. Game 5 last Sunday night was probably one of the best games of basketball I've ever seen. Worth missing "Deadwood" for; well, I missed because I was on the East Coast and I get two feeds of HBO back on the right coast.

Robin Brown declared to me that the any future that soccer had in becoming successful in America just died this morning. Where was the passion, guys? It just seemed as if they were on auto pilot. And the one main problem with soccer or at least world cup is that it's okay to play to a tie. You know, let's have double overtime until somebody scores or at least shoot out mode. Let's ratchet it up a bit.

Also, if you hear something on the news about a case of air rage in the next couple of days, it may be me. I totally spaced and forgot to put the "Canon" remix on my iPod and I've been dying to hear that verse from Freeway and If I gotta deal with another overweight, slow moving person with an exposed belly cause they can't move on and wear an xl tee or even for that matter, a xxl tee and not able to hear Freeway's verse, I may snap at the airport.

Jun 16, 2006


I think the quote of the day from Thursday had to have been from Mark of Hella Awful when he said he’d buy the Dwyane Wade shoe. Clearly, a moment you had to be there to full appreciate, but never the less, a funny moment in a day that was rather jammed packed with laughs. The game its self not necessarily a laugh fest if you’re a Mavs fan or have money on the Mavs pulling through or have made consistent comments of the Mavs taking it in 5 games as well as 6 games (boy, is our face getting red; Ted Kennedy after a couple pitchers of Tom Collins on a sunny July day status), but here’s the most important, at least the series is getting interesting, exciting and physical. Even if the Heat are getting called for 3 seconds violations every 5 seconds, it’s still an interesting and compelling series, until it gets into blow out mode, then well, it becomes a blow out and those are only fun for fans of the team whose winning and people who love to see Mark Cuban lose.

I’m surprised that Mark Cuban has yet to attract some major arm candy for all of these games. He’s going to get at least three to four close ups per game and you know, there’s some C-list or D-list Maxim model chick that would die for the publicity from sitting next to a billionaire who looks as if he hasn’t showered in a couple of days. You know like Kim Kardashian[link via Celebitchy] or somebody of that nature to be Cuban’s arm candy. It’ll be a win-win situation. Kardashian gets some publicity and name out a little more and Cuban will seem a bit more like a normal owner and less like a crazed super fan who should be in the nose bleed seats banging on a cowbell. Give Cuban the make over; put him in the Seacrest style blazer, some Beatle boots, the super expensive button up instead of the too tight Simon Cowell jeans and football jersey.

Game 5 is going to be one for the ages, but I think may miss it, which sorta blows. That leads me to my next point. Next week, no posts at all. I’ll be out of town for the week. Leaving California for a couple of days, clearing my head and what not. Although, my new found security blanket, an tennis racket from the early 80s will not make the trip. When I write, I strum a tennis racket as a way to conjure up new ideas; hasn’t been that successful yet.

For quite a few months now, I’ve been wondering what exactly the appeal of Perez Hilton is and I sorta figured out as I was trying to bang out pages the past two days. It’s just a lot of pictures and when you’re really bored, it’s a really good way to kill time. Pop on, look at some pictures that are not on 18 million other goblogs and just pretend to look as if one’s working. Basically being like Brent Bolthouse on MTV’s “The Hills”.

People, it’s official, Brent Bolthouse is the best actor in the history of scripted reality TV. For a moment, I honestly believed Bolthouse’s disdain and frustration in dealing with Dumb Blonde #01 at the office. The scene where he asks Dumb Blonde #01 to get him a sandwich was classic. “I’m hungry. Heidi, can you go get me a sandwich?” Of course, they edited out the part after she left the room and Brent Bolthouse said, “and never ever come back you ungrateful fashion school dropout.” The editors or whom ever is charged to placing music in that episode of “The Hills,” pretty much dropped the ball on that. There were many moments where it would’ve great to hear the second (although, soon to be third) most over played song of the year, “Bad Day,” as L.C. is driven back to the airport and not getting to watch the Marc Jacobs store. Hey L.C., not everybody’s first experience with Marc Jacobs is a positive one; I wasn’t even allowed to step beyond the welcome mat when I was there, but bear in my mind, I was wearing some ratty sneakers and it was closing time, but never the less, I didn’t have the full fledge awesome Marc Jacobs moment. Or they could used “Bad Day,” when Bolthouse told Dumb Blonde #01 to get him a sandwich. And the other spot where these editors let me down was when that Douchey Guy #02 went over to Dumb Brunette #01, whose name now is Dumb Blonde who now is a Brunette’s apartment. They played some bullshit, fucking romantic Jack Johnson bullshit music cue. They should’ve played “Gettin’ Some Head”, you know, something a little more celebratory than some whiney guy over acoustic guitars. Editors are supposed to be the people who’ll say, “you know, if we throw in a fart sound effect right here, it’ll get a big laugh,” and I’m just baffled as to how they don’t realize that if they play a song with a great sample from Too $hort about getting head when a girl in white pants takes some dofus back into her apartment. I mean, come on, he did treat her to Korean BBQ, which apparently is all the rage these days. Think of laughs first, people, then rational storytelling. Geez. Or at least break off people with that goofy Morningwood song about taking clothes off.

Who else is bummed that GoGoGo Airheart broke up? It may sound lame, but they should put together a ‘best of..’ comp because they had some amazing songs. Personal favorites include: “Last Goodbye” off of “Exitheuxa,” and “How I Feel Tried” off the brilliantly titled, “Love My Life, Hate My Friends.”

Now, I’m not telling anybody to go out and watch The Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift this weekend, but I will suggest to you to try this out instead. If you’re going to watch like Nacho Libre or whatever and there’s just not enough laughs for you in the film, just hang out in the parking lot and watch all of the guys with supped cars or just regular cars attempt to drift there way out of the multiplex. When I saw the first Fast & Furious film (I went with friends at the time who were really into cars, but I didn’t sit with them and I yelled “It’s murder!” every time Ja Rule was on screen), all of these people attempted to peel out of the parking lot and be real cool in their shitty trucks and what not, but they just ended up running over planters or going over concrete dividers, which for the most part are the same thing as planters. Never the less, it was just really funny to stand out side the theater and just watch these people try too hard to impress you with what they perceive to be their quick ability to grasp the concept of drifting. There’ll be so many car accidents in Kansas over the weekend.

Regarding the new Mr. Lif album, “Mo Mega”. Listened to it once so far, will listen to it again when I’m out of town, so, maybe it’s a grower. Never the less, the album didn’t wow me; it’s decent. No where near the quality and excellence of Mr. Lif’s last album, “I Phantom”, but it’s better than most stuff out there right now. If anything the album just makes you hungry for El-P's solo album and more importantly, the new Cannibal Ox album.

A friendly reminder to all of my fellow PT Anderson junkies, remember to keep on checking out the Little Boston News site. I know it’s not much right now, but I’m creaming my RVCA shorts a smidge when I saw the photo of the guy standing behind a couple of flags. And if I got the name wrong, I apologize. I’ve carried a box carrying those too many times, so I may have forgotten the name out of frustration.

Another friendly reminder to all Southern California people, I believe I’ve written about this show before, but I saw a part of it the other day and I was just blown away. First there was “Buscando Amor,” , that Fear Factor rip off show, the “Cheaters” rip off show, and now there’s “Estudio 2”. From what I gather and the little Spanish I remember for all 3 years I took it in junior high & high school, “Estudio 2” is a talent show as well as a variety show. The first time I came upon the show, there was a disturbing puppet on the show that told really weird jokes, but what I saw the other day blew that out of the water. First off, there was a man, who had to have been in late 50s or early 60s, dressed somewhere between Scarface and Saturday Night Live singing a song and out of nowhere on the video monitor behind him, they start to play a video of a midget dressed like Dee Snider in the “We’re Not Gonna Take It” video holding a guitar, walking around. Then the Dee Snider midget comes out on stage with two bikini model stripper types and kick the old guy off the stage. Then what I presume to be the regular hosts of the show come out on stage and all of sudden, some reggaeton instrumental starts to play and everybody on stage starts to dance and more bikini chicks (these ones had real boobs, though) come out onto stage and start dance. Then they cut to a couple shots of even more dancers, but they were wearing shorty shorts. Then they cut back to the stage and some girl who has a very distinct Katharine McPhee vibe, but with elf ears (act like you know) is on stage with another singer and a band behind them. So I guess the show gives prizes away for the best singer. And naturally, the best singer was the old guy and the prize was 500 bucks. Yet here’s the weird thing, instead of giving the guy the money or a check, the cash prize is tucked into the bra top and booty shorts of one of the dancers. So this old guy proceeds to pull his cash prize with his teeth from the dancer’s booty shorts. All the while, the Dee Snider midget is on the stage, rocking out, but he takes off his wig, then smashes his plastic guitar on the stage. I was blown away; like first time I watched Le Cercle Rouge blown away. So of course, when I come back to town, I hope to be fully disappointed by a DVR full of “Estudio 2” without any midgets smashing guitars or old guys using their teeth to touch strippers without getting beaten by security.

The problem with Robert Altman’s A Prairie Home Companion is that it tries too hard. It’s a film that wants to be many things, but it does not want to be what it should be. Sorry if I sound too cryptic in my description of the film, but there are too many storylines or at least character moments in the film that are distracting and taking away from the good moments in the film. It’s very hit and miss; there’ll be a good scene with Woody Harrelson & John C Reilly followed by a scene that adds nothing and runs too long with Virginia Madsen & Kevin Kline. To some Garrison Keillor is a national treasure, but national treasures aren’t immune to doing another rewrite or two before putting in front of the cameras. Lindsay Lohan is good in the film, but she doesn’t have much to work with. It’s just an interesting mess of what could’ve been.

And finally, this will be my last thing on this week’s batch of Stern shows for at least the week or two, but listening to Thursday’s show while running errands, I must’ve looked like a mental patient to my fellow drivers as I slammed my fist into the steering wheel and laughing my head off as Artie and Crazy Alice argued on air or when they played the Jack & Rod show where they played the George Takei laugh track every time that guy said his website. And the part when Luke Campbell talked about how is he banned from the state of South Carolina cause one of his dancers peed on a girl during a concert. I can’t wait to hear today’s show. I bet Mike Walker and George Takei is going to have some bizarre conversation in Japanese. Seriously, you gotta get Sirius. It’s that funny and it’s worth. I’m loaning things out to people when I’m out of town, perhaps I should loan out the Sirius radio. Nah.

See you in a week or something. Check out the new release of Russ Meyer’s Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Just based on watching the trailer for this film, I can easily consider it one of my favorite films ever made. I mean look at it: it’s shot in scope, it’s about an all girl rock group, there’s Nazis in it, there’s chicks with big boobs in it, there’s a lesbian love story; it’s a fine filmmaking from one of America’s greater, yet underappreciated auteur, Russ Meyer.

Jun 14, 2006

Desperate Times

Talk about defining the term, ‘pot broiler’. What a 4th quarter last night. I’m not going to lie, I thought it was going to be a Mavericks sweep; the way they came back after the half, holy smokes. It was a done deal at that moment. Break out the bootleg t-shirts with cartoon drawings of the Mavs holding the trophy and get David Hasselhoff onto the next flight to Miami, so somebody can serenade Dirk after he picks up the MVP award. Then D.Wade pulls a move that Kobe wishes he could pull these days (taking over the game, winning it and it’s an actually important game) and just comes in the clutch. I still believe that the Mavs will take the series, unless Jason Williams and Antoine Walker learn how to make lay ups and manage to pass the ball to Shaq, so there’s no more 3 seconds calls and of course, keep on making those free throws.

It should be noted, how surprised was everybody when Shaq made those two free throws at the end of the game? Also, Shaq’s wife looked like hot last night. And Fat Joe was the coolest person there because he was in the first couple of rows and wore black. Speaking of the people at the game, the directors of the game sure loved showing those past their prime trophy wives.

I know that somebody read this thing every now and then because I watch the TV shows you don’t want to watch but other people in your life does. So in a way, I’m acting like your cliff notes in case a conversation starts about oh, let’s say, “The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency”. I want to hope that you haven’t watched this show because it’s pretty bad, but it’s product placement is fairly awesome. In one scene, there’s a giant banner for MySpace behind these two girls who are crying because some dude told them that they’re too fat to be a model. It’s just a weird spot, you know, some girls breaking down and complaining that they’re losing weight but they can’t lost it fast enough and behind them, there’s a giant sign that says, ‘a place for friends.’ As I read the slogan, I just can’t help but picture Tom at home, laughing like a manic at these poor girls with a simple dream of becoming models in between doing lines off the ass of Luana Lani and using 100 dollar bills to light sticks of incense (Tom doesn’t seem like a smoker to me). Product placement is a necessary evil, but sometimes, it can just be so weird. If people are going to do it on reality TV shows, then they should all watch the episode of “Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge” where he drinks Sprunt. It’s so subtle, but at the same time, it’s completely over the top.

And the other thing about this Janice Dickinson show is that every time the quality of a model that is challenged by her business partner, Janice will say that she’ll stake her whole entire career on the success of that particular person, but then, like 5 minutes later, Janice is either kicking the person out of the agency or suggesting that they go under plastic surgery. It’s great to see a extremely passionate person on TV and doing something that they’re happy, but I’m not sure about the validity of the constant claims of staking one’s entire career of a lanky guy from San Diego with a hair cut like one of the dudes in Death’s Thirst for Life (I made that band name, but I bet there’s somebody in Kansas who are already using that name) or some girl who’d better suited playing volleyball. Words losing mean after they’re repeated over and over again, which is way I’ve tried to lay off on calling things, ‘best ever,’ or ‘favorite’ thing.

I will still continue to call things, ‘the worst thing ever’ though.

Still on the subject of horrible TV shows I hope that you’re not watching MTV’s “The Hills”. First off in regards to last week’s episode, a friend sent me a note stating that she saw one DJ Kid Millionaire in the background when L.C. was at LAX, so if you want to go there and count cred points, go ahead. Secondly and most importantly, the emergence of party promoter extraordinaire and bad radio show co-host, Brent Bolthouse (who is MySpace friends with this girl, seriously click the link, its killer) on the show. Now, Bolthouse and his performance on the show have left my mind at a fork in the road. There’s a part of me that believes he’s perhaps the worst actor in the history of reality TV, but there’s an even bigger part of me that believes not only is Bolthouse fucking around with us being on “The Hills,” but he’s also the greatest actor in the history of reality TV. Granted L.C., Dumb Blonde#01 and Dumb Brunette#02 are no Sir Laurence Olivers, they’re not even on the level of Captain Lou Albano pretending to be Cyndi Lauper’s dad in the mid 80s, but Bolthouse is just going off and I want to believer that there are outtakes from that interview he had with Dumb Blonde#01 where he started to throw coffee mugs and pencils at her to see how well she thinks on her feet. But at the same time, I can see Brent Bolthouse as he’s pretending to check his e-mail and interviewing the girl, him saying, “Wait, I fucked that up. Can we do it again?” Bolthouse is going to be the saving grace of this show.

Related to “The Hills,” a drinking game idea: take a shot, pound a beer every time there’s a close up on L.C.’s soul less face. Is she incapable of showing emotion on her face? Did she pull a Janice Dickinson and already have that much botox done? Scary and sad. I know that she can show emotion; she did hang up on Dumb Blonde#01 and sang a little ditty, but let’s see some emotion on a close up next time around, thanks!

You guys hear that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo had sex a whole bunch of times in Mexico over the weekend? Yeah, I did too, but who cares? Unless you’re going to be running into Nick Lachey over the next couple of days and able to ask without losing your job, “Can I smell your finger?”

Although, I don’t appreciate how Lachey and Kim Kardashian toyed with my emotions for those two weeks. Was it a real fling or was it a couple of publicists shooting e-mails back and forth with each other on their Trios while waiting at Coffee Bean in an attempt to get one’s large breasted client’s name out there. I really feel used.

So nice, it needed to be shouted out twice.

I hate to be a broken record guys and nearly retract my words from earlier, but seriously, Artie Lange & George Takei on the Stern show each morning just keeps me going through the day and more importantly, keeps me laughing. I’m not sure how Adam Carolla’s ratings are doing, but if I’m CBS, I’d offer these two a boatload of money to be the new L.A. morning drive time team. These two just bounce off each other so well and you can tell that George really cares about Artie where as Artie is just more concerned about eating and the Yankees doing better. Or at least, let them be the replacement on that Maury Povich/Connie Chung show on MSNBC; George debating a pre recorded tape of Crazy Alice, tell me you wouldn’t want to watch that? I heard that Adam Carolla or maybe it was Opie & Anthony, never the less, I heard that one of those guys were going to have Walter Koening do a guest spot on the show next week.

And finally, above is a music video that my friends at Bento Productions made earlier this year for the band, Fall of Troy. It's pretty killer and I think I nearly electrocuted myself while working this particular shoot. So keep that in the back of your mind when you watch it.

Jun 12, 2006

Anal Annie

It’s time for my weekly, monthly, daily, yearly commercial for Sirius radio. I’ve mentioned in the past about the comedic magic of Stern show sidekick and ‘Dr. Phil’ guest in the making, Artie Lange and the star of “Star Trek,” George Takei. I know in the past I’ve said that I could listen to certain things over and over again, but really, I can’t listen to particular things all day long, but I can listen to George trying to offer relationship advice to Artie as well as suggesting that they go on a walk in Central Park together. As I write this, I’m listening to the show for a second time and laughing just as hard and maybe even harder than the previous time.

Now, I’m not sure about the availability of the Sirius units, so I’m not going to say you need to over to Circuit City or Best Buy and sign today. You should, it’ll work its self in the long run, but I’m going to advocate the downloading of bootlegs of this week’s shows off of the torrents circuit. Your iPod will be full, but you’ll be laughing a lot, so you may get some strange looks if you’re using public transportation though.

I was 17 in 1933

The thing about Pixar films is that they follow incredibly similar structure. Each film pretty much is the same and yeah, you could rightly say that if you’ve seen one Pixar film, then you’ve seen them all. But that’s not only a half-truth.

From Toy Story to 2004’s The Incredibles, the story of each film is male protagonist either is alone in a foreign environment or can’t adjust to the new environment. Basically, a male character will always be taken out of their element and place into another environment where the protagonist overcomes their problems and around the 80 minute mark, we have a happy ending. Although, I’m not sure if this particular theory applies to Monsters Inc. because I haven’t seen that film; I’m not a Billy Crystal fan even though he has a brief cameo in one of my favorite films of all time, This is Spinal Tap. What manages to make each Pixar film different from the last is the wacky cast of characters that our hero meets towards the end of the first act. It’s a constant in one of the films and sure, there are certain arch type wacky characters that appear in every one of their films, but you know, it’s the vocal talent that sells the subtle differences.

And the latest from Pixar, Cars is no different. Same structure, same types of colorful, lovable goof ball characters and in theory, it should be work because it’s worked great the last couple of films, but Cars slightly misses the mark. The biggest problem the film suffers from is the daunting task of being the follow up to The Incredibles, which in my opinion stands as not only the best film done by Pixar so far, but also, one of the top 5 best animated films of all time. Moving from the beautiful animation of the last film to the extremely child like, nearly too cartoony style of Cars is going to be a detractor.

The initial reaction is, “It took a couple of years for you guys to make a film that looks like this?” It’s not up to the standards of the previous work. It still looks better than most of the other computer animated films out there. I expect more out of Pixar visually. The story is the same, but it drags in the middle and just really repetitious. Here’s another scene with the tow truck saying something stupid. The audience’s mind begins to wander, which is never good especially if it’s a children’s’ film.

If this film had been released before The Increrdibles then it’s reception would be a completely different story. Asking Cars to follow that is like asking a band to play after a 1972 era Led Zepplin; it ain’t happening, babe.

Speaking of minds wandering during the film, the row of overdressed teen couples in front of me; their minds were completely in a different headspace. I assumed that early on, waiting for the movie to start, I’d thrown out of the theater or at least asked to move because me and my foul mouth. I forget these things and you know, why should I be on guard with my language? Who are these parents that take their kids to a 9:30 at night screening of a movie in the first place? The kids are wearing their P.J.s in theater, come on, now. Yet my behavior was not as bad in comparison to these teens. I don’t know if they got super drunk before the movie and assumed that watching an animated movie while intoxicated would be a great experience. Granted it made the Steven Soderbergh film Full Frontal a bit better, but I’m not sure if the experience will be enhanced. I’m not sure if the kids hot boxed their parents’ SUVs in the parking lot and can in stoned to watch it. I understand that, but Hollywood hasn’t really gotten behind a mind bender, its better if you watch this completely stoned film since the failure of Terry Gilliam’s adaptation of Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas (There’s an audience out there for these films though; just don’t release them the same weekend as shitty American remakes of Japanese monster movies). And thirdly and finally and most likely, these group of Hollister’ed out teens were on ecstasy and maybe not all of them were rolling that particular evening, but I want to say that at least a majority of them were. There was a great deal of vicarious hands rubbing on backs and one in point during the film, a girl’s head disappeared into her dude’s lap for at least 10 minutes, then she reappeared on the guy’s lap.

Granted, there have been moments when I thought it’d be more interesting to watch a couple engage in sticky movie theater floor sex than the film I was watching at the time, namely, Detroit Rock City, but you know, Cars was a half way decent film and if I have to stop the swears for 100 minutes, then those teens have to relax the hormones for a couple more minutes. It was just so surreal because these kids just seemed to be so bored by the film and were answering cell phones during the movie.

It seemed as if their evening’s original plan to go out for a nice meal at a Mexican restaurant and then orgy it at somebody’s parents’ house but then the parents ended up coming home early and the kids had all of this e, so they figure, drop it, watch a colorful movie and roll in peace. Instead, they rolled and were completely bored by the experience and the guys got none. Well, take that back cause at the end of the night, the chick who disappeared into one dude’s crotch for 10 minutes left with another guy in addition to her regular dude, so I’m thinking that those dudes got some satisfaction. The other guy, not so much, he was carrying a pursue and leaving with two frustrated girls.

So let that be a lesson to y’all if you’re going to orgy it on a Saturday night, don’t watch Cars before hand and drop ‘E’. Wait until after the movie or at least you have a secure locale for said orgy.

I’m telling you, man. California is a weird place. Especially in June. During the week, it’s all gray and dreary, but then on Saturday afternoon, there’ll be a couple of pockets of sun poking through, but it’ll be like 70. I dunno, man. Then like local town’s versions of Lindsay Lohan wear really cool low cut, loose tops, but they’re hanging out with old guys with quasi Hitler mustaches and a heavy Paul Snider vibe. It doesn’t make any sense. Then like one night, you can watch lesbians rock out to techno music during a firework display and get scared by the really loud explosions. Honestly, if you’re planning a trip out, don’t come until late June or at least July. Something goes array when the sun isn’t a constant presence.

Speaking of fireworks, if you happen to be watching a firework display at night and have an iPod with Coldplay on it near by, it’s going to be a lot cooler than whatever techno music they’re going to play. Trust me and I’m surprised Zach Braff has yet to do this type of thing in a film yet.

Are the writing updates in Word and spell checking everything working out for people? I’m not proof reading yet, need an assistant to do that; sorry, it’s just that I’m too close to the work.

While I haven’t seen the film nor do I plan on seeing the film, I have to say a bit of a ‘fuck you’ to the people behind the film, The Break Up. I remember hearing an interview they said that the concept of opening the film with the couple breaking up was really original and want to believe that they said they were one of the first to do so. Incorrect, dudes. Albert Brooks did it first and definitely did it better with the film, Modern Romance a film that opens with a couple breaking up and the problems that ensue afterwards. It was released onto DVD a few weeks ago and it’s fairly shitty DVD in terms of special features and packaging, but you know for 12 bucks at Best Buy, it’s a steal. People forget that Albert Brooks made a couple grand slams of films back in the 80s. Modern Romance and Lost in America are just gems that need to be on the top of your Netflix list immediately.

And I didn’t mean to be so harsh to the makers of The Break Up. I dug the director’s first two films and his work with the UCB, but you gotta give Albert Brooks his respect.

It pains me to say this, but I’m warming up to Nicole Richie. First off, she has a fairly decent sense of humor on what I’ve seen on the new season of “The Simple Life”. Now, she goes to Jamba and probably gets a local favorite, Orange-A-Peel. What’s next? Is she going to be at the Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young show at the Hollywood Bowl, requesting that they do “Ohio”?

Finally, ”Deadwood” came back last night. Now, I have a problem with HBO’s programming of this show. The way its positioned at 9 o’clock makes the shows like “Entourage” and “Ego Trippin’ with Dane Cook,” a reward or a treat for having sat through this complex, smart, and frequently funny western with a guy with a cool mustache swears a lot, but we all know it should be the other way around. After sitting through that Dane Cook show, I feel as if HBO should’ve shown two back to back episodes of “Deadwood” to make up for the lack of interesting, groundbreaking, edgy material that never happen during Dane Cook’s show. It does play like an insanely unfunny and much boring version of the Patton Oswalt / Zack Galifianakis’ show, “The Comedians of Comedy”. I’m not saying this because I’m not a fan of Dane Cook; if anything I was interested in watching this show to exactly figure out why everybody and their kid sister is into Dane Cook.

I’m not a person who likes to figure out why things I liked worked out and how it was made. I already know that, but I’m more interested and concerned with finding out how come I didn’t like this or why does everybody else but me enjoy this particular form of entertainment? I’ve seen many films that I’ve hated more often than films that I love and would call a personal favorite.

I see and read about Dane Cook being this comedic phenomenon on par with Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay and Sam Kinson back in the day, but I just don’t get it. I don’t see the appeal, but I feel as if I’m always in this constant discussion of not getting what people find to be hilarious and said people not finding what I like to laugh at to be funny. Dane Cook, to me, just seems like what would happen if you blended Jerry Seinfeld and Jim Carrey together and removed most of the humor. It’s just loud, physical observational humor. Then again, I think a midget tied up to balloons floating around a radio studio is comedy gold.

So it seems only just that the people who’ve sat through Dane Cook and his friends goofin’ off for 30 should be rewarded with the antics of Al Swearengen, who is probably one of the greatest characters in the history of television; I have to redo my TV character list now.

The one thing that leapt out at me about last night’s “Deadwood,” was that it seemed a lot funnier than usual. It just sucks that I have to wait a couple of weeks to watch next Sunday’s episode.

PS. After last night's game, I hate to say it, but still the Mavs winning, but now in 5 games. What kind of bad free throw shooting virius does Shaq give everybody during the big game?

Jun 9, 2006

losin' my love part 3

I don’t know if I could really ever do justice to my experiences as a poll worker the other day. It wasn’t that big of a deal. 16 hours of being bored and stressed out over nothing. I’d be worried sick over an ‘e-slate’ being down but the rest of the people I was working with had a very laissez faire attitude over the situation, which taught me over this enormous period of time, to also not care too much about one machine being down and just be gland that there were a couple other machines that worked and voter turn out was incredibly low. We were the Bad News Bears of pollsters and I’m going to be totally surprised if they ask me to go work for them in November.

For a person like myself whose mind doesn’t really start to function properly until like 10:30 in the morning and this is without coffee as well (I have an aversion to hot liquids). So to be yelled at me by some super liberal lady whose going to bust your shit wide open at 7 in the morning over getting the wrong access code isn’t a lot of fun. It’s like, ‘fuck, lady, I’m getting paid below minimum wage and I only slept a couple of hours last night and I won’t even be done here until 10 o’clock at night.’ I volunteered and wanted to help because I believe, even though it’s let me down too many times so far, never the less, I still believe in the electoral process and want to encourage everybody else to vote and help out. Yet here’s the rub, mid way through my never-ending day, I started to hate the electoral process. I was getting increasingly frustrated with people questioning the process and being insightful about this particular election, but I was like “Fuck it, do you really believe that your vote actually matters?” In other words, I became that disgruntled kid at Starbucks or Coffee Bean or whenever that had been working a particularly slow shift by himself and then some douche from like Staples comes in and orders 8 drinks and all of sudden, a line starts to form behind said douche.

I was slammed, in the restaurant waiter slang, by people who knew their shit and they were bugging me about it. The things I know about would not be actable in that particular situation. I could not tell this person that everything is going to be all right because the Criterion edition of Dazed & Confused came out that day and they should go and buy it after they were done here. Talking to them about Dre of the production duo, Cool & Dre is a pretty decent rapper on the tune, “Chevy Ridin’ High,” isn’t going to make a voter feel secure about their being counted cause the VVPAT printer jammed towards the end of the review process. It wasn’t covered in the training and well, I was more or less distracted by the awesome ring tone the mid age Hispanic lady had that kept on ringing during the training session; who knew there were Gram Parsons ring tones?

And for some reason, I stood on my feet for the most of the 16 hours. I can’t fully why I stood on my feet other than I thought it was an authoritative position. People drunk with power should stand up and wander around, I guess. Yet at the end of the night, I believe I had lost circulation in my feet as they looked as red as an drunken Irish man who spent the whole day in the sun. At the same time, it was the only way to keep getting more bored than I already was getting. I’d just stand up, walk around, go outside, stare at the shitty overcast sky and walk back in, hoping there was something more to do than what I was doing.

I took a couple of breaks, but I just stood outside with my iPod and listened to “Kevin is Gay” by Giant Drag & “Mr. Me Too” by the Clipse and sent out about eight million text messages. To those I bugged, I’m sorry about that. And I got so caught up and swept up in the whole business of the day that I forgot to really celebrate the fact that it was in fact, 6/06/06 that day. I never listened to “Number of the Beast” by Matt Sweeney or Iron Maiden. Forgot to put “Raining Blood” on the iPod, so I could rock out in some parking lot at 5 in the morning.

There was a moment I’d write about, but it was one of those situations where you’re not supposed to laugh at some body getting hurt. Like there’s a particular age group of people where it’s not okay to laugh at them getting hurt, but it was such a great moment and I know that comparison I’m about to make is going to make it seem more serious and intense than it actually was, but it’s the only thing that comes to mind. While I never watched the show “Six Feet Under,” I did happen to see that clip of Peter Krause having a seizure on “Best Week Ever” and something not as serve or as intense happen but it was really funny. Buy me a #4 at Lee’s, I’ll tell you the full story sometime.

In an effort to despite the claims that have been made that I have the tastes of a 14 year old girl, I have yet to watch this week’s episode of “The Hills”. It’s been recorded, but I’m not sure if I want to talk the effort to see there and watch the same episode as the one from the week before except with different outfits and cameos by Brent Bolthouse (I’d say something, but I don’t want to be blacklisted from a party I’d never be invited to in the first place. Honestly, if I really did have the tastes of a 14 year old girl wouldn’t I be talking about how awesome that infomercial known as “Cheyenne”. It’s a hard thing to do, but that show is actually more phony than both “Hulk Knows Best,” and “The Simple Life” combined.

Briefly on “The Simple Life,” I sadly caught a bit of the new season and I have to say that while Nicole Richie sometimes may look like a wet hairless Chihuahua, but at least she has a decent sense of humor.

Also, how come Indie 103 hasn’t done a concert yet? Where’s their Weenie Roast or to a lesser extent their version of Inland Invasion? Does KROQ really have a straggle hold on the venues in Southern California? You’d think after a couple of years, they’d could pull a show or something like that without the aid of some shitty Dave Navarro related cover band and Suicide Girls. Geez, you’d think that they would use Brent Bolthouse doing a radio show over there to their advantage, but nope, they’re going to just replay Jonesy’s Jukebox one more time.

A little bit after it's first week of operation, I'm already complaining about Gods Girls. A little variety is nice; let's move beyond the same 4 girls.

Semi related, Russ Meyer's camp classic Beyond the Valley of the Dolls comes out on DVD next Tuesday. Early 70s filmmaking, Roger Ebert co wrote the script and I don't believe fake boobies were in vogue yet, so you know, it's a must buy.

I thought that this series was definitely going to go 7 games, but if Shaq keeps on throwing bricks like he was last night, Mavs in 6.

It seems redundant to actually sit down and attempt to watch the MTV Movie Awards since all of the winners were revealed on Monday morning and all of the photos from the event were on Getty Images the day before that. By in large, I had seen a majority of the show, but there was a glimmer, perhaps it was more of a silver of hope that the in between film parody segments would be funny and worth watching for, but as soon as the show opened with the skit which I guess was a spoof of Mission: Impossible 3, I, like most of America did not see was just awful. The premise and the performances were fairly decent; Topurkey Grace is pretty good in anything 3 times out of 5, but the dialogue was just horrendous. Maybe because I’ve spent the past couple of days pretty much listening to nothing but Howard Stern and earlier that evening, I had listen to the amazing Artie Lange Roast and perhaps, I’m desensitized to the fact that I get to listen to Comedians say real words to make a joke and/or point.

You know, the opening skit on the MTV Movie Awards was basically two minutes of Jessica Alba and Topher Grace saying ‘pee-pee.’ I’m not attempting to be high borrow or anything, but has censorship and FCC regulations and these hefty fines brought TV to the point where people have to shout ‘pee-pee’ in order to get laugh? Say a dirty word and just bleep it out. Leave it to the audience’s mind to fill what dirty word Topher Grace is about to spray all over Flavor Flav. Everybody’s mind is wrapped and fucked up, so we’re going to think of the grossest thing or at least our mind’s version of the grossest thing and we’re gonna laugh even harder. ‘Pee-pee,’ just sounds like a really bad ad-lib at the last minute.

Then they trot out Jimmy Fallon for some Da Vinci Code parody, which I can proudly say, I didn’t understand because I haven’t read the book nor seen the film. With spoofs, there shouldn’t be a problem of ‘you’d had to have seen the film to get the joke, they should just work on their own.’ Naturally, the jokes didn’t work cause Jimmy Fallon was saying them and unless he was doing an impression of a Morning Zoo DJ, then I ain't laughin’. Andy Shamberg is getting to that Jimmy Fallon status in his brief year on “Saturday Night Live,” as well. The dude managed to make the always hilarious Seth Rogen be unfunny.

Jun 7, 2006

that's the way he wants it to be

I’m not sure if my endorsement helped, but I kinda want to believe it did. And no, I did not fix the votes in spite of working as pollster for a grueling 16 straight hours. I live and worked in Orange County; come on, that’s the only Republican part of southern California except for the Richie Rich parts in Hell Diego.

Yeah, we elected Arnold in the recall, but that’s because we have a great sense of humor and while not all of the state may not enjoy, there are some who enjoy long walks on the beach. Basically, the election of Arnold was something we did to put in our theoretical match(dot)com profile. In addition to enjoying movies, “Friends,” (OmG! Ross & Rachel 4va) we elected this dude [maybe NSFW] to be our leader. Granted, he looked better than Gray Davis, but then again, me as the governor would look like an attractive alternative too, especially, with my bill making it illegal for Rachel Bilson to wear nothing but shorty shorts with exception to the wintertime and rainy days.

So when November comes around, be nice with the people working at your local polling place. Honestly, we’re doing the best we can with what we have and it’s not our fault if an e-slate goes down, blame the douche who doesn’t believe his or her vote is being counted because there’s no paper proof of it, so we have to use the VVPAT system and if the VVPAT goes down, that particular e-slate is rendered useless. And you know, if you come at 5 or 6 o’clock at night, bare with us for a moment; we’re a bit punchy and suffering from a mean case of cabin fever. You know, we’ve been there since 6 in the morning and probably won’t get to go home until 10 and we’re getting below minimum wage for our services. And as some may know that I’m no good to the world at large until I’ve heard at least an hour of Howard Stern that morning and on election days, you’re looking at a guy whose only had at max, 45 minutes of Stern even with replays. So please be kind to the pollsters, you could even go as far as dropping off some chips & dip for us; I’m a big fan of guacamole and tortilla chips.

I’ll try to be back on Friday morning with a recap of the polling experience of which I told Mark of hella awful was ‘a whale of a tale of anti-climax’ and a write up of that ever so exciting episode of “The Hills”. But right now, I just want to hang out eat burritos with cool people while listening to Tom Waits and then later on, bust an old tennis racket and play air guitar to Judas Priest’s “Living After Midnight,” even in hind sight of the incredibly gay undertones the song now have.

One time, me and this guy named Punk Rock Tim thought we saw Rob Halford at a Faint show in San Diego. We didn’t talk to him or anything, we just yelled “Halford” a couple of times and ran away.

That New TV On The Radio album, "Return to Cookie Mountain," is pretty killer and "Playhouses" will have the hipster dance floors on fire.

And finally, how am I going to compete with this girl and her wearing of the N.W.A. names t-shirt? I should just give it to the Good Will because the comparisons are going to be endless and boundless. Never the less, shout outs to shorty shorts and the CobraSnake’s muse is growing on me; Stockholm Syndrome status

Jun 5, 2006

like when disco killed the funk aka my first song part 2

It’s really weird because I consider myself a so-cal kid until the day I die, but I hate the beach. I don’t like the whole getting sand stuck all over the body and into shoes. I wear shoes to the beach because I don’t own a pair of flip-flops because most of the people in the world have vile feet and shouldn’t be forced to look at them. Also you can put into consideration the whole fact that I don’t feel comfortable taking my shirt off in such a public venue, but I’m not going to be like my cousin Curtis and swim with his shirt on even in an above ground pool in the backyard of some shitty house in Van Nuys. So, maybe I have to retract the statement of being a so-cal kid for life because I hate going to the beach.

Maybe, it’s just the fact that I’ve never been that impressed by the beauty and wonders of Mother Nature or at least in person. I can appreciate a sunny day with zero clouds in the sky, but you know, what else is going on? You know, I’d rather just drive around, waste gas, with the windows down, work on a killer farmer’s tan and listen to like Neil Young and drink some Jamba Juice while at red lights. If my vision had the lighting and composition skills of the late, great Néstor Almendros , then I’d probably be more wowed by nature more often. As it stands, I’ll continue to be bowled by over by girls in Kirsten Johnson shorty shorts or at least the designer knock off shorty shorts.

It’s like I said, I don’t know what to do when I’m at beach and I had this conversation with friends. They provide suggestions as to things I could do, but you know, I can only do that for so long before getting bored: Read a book, write some jokes, etc.. It’s kinda like, okay, I can do this at my house and listen to a replay of a Stern show I missed where Howard did a really amazing impression of Riley Martin and then him and Artie do dueling impressions of Ted Kennedy during the news.

And then I just worry about what people will think of my reading material. Right now, my summer reading assignment is to finish Amos Vogel’s “Film as a Subversive Art” for a couple reasons. One, its an interesting book with a lot of recommendations for great films; now, only if a majority of them were available on DVD. Also, I’m using the book as a piece for research for something else. The book, since it’s a book about film, naturally, there’s stills, but this book has a lot of stills and some of the stills have nudity in them because I’m assuming that nudity or at least, gross, hairy hippie nudity is an act of subversion. So I could be seating on the beach, enjoying my book, but out of nowhere, some kid could cruise look over my shoulder, see something damaging and I’ll get yelled at by some concerned parent.

I don’t need that while I’m trying to ‘relax’ at the beach. What does it matter anyway, my greatest aspiration in life is to be like Brian Wilson, but like the dark ages Brian Wilson.

If you're like me and hopefully, you're not too much like me, perhaps a tiny bit like me and you like quality, mind alternating, surreal cinema, then this is probably the best website ever. Abkco Films re-releasing remastered versions of Jodorowsky's first three films. So in other words, this finally means cleaned up, letterboxed versions of El Topo without any Japanese censorship because thats where most of the bootlegs come from and for some reason, they take issue with the scene where the monks are whipped with catcus. You're telling me that I finally get to watch The Holy Mountain, which from what I've seen on the film looks as if Bunuel, Lynch, and Argento all got together and throw their favorite ideas into a cinematic blender and Jodorowsky's first film Fando y Lis is coming soon as well. First, there was the news of the definitive version of Ridley Scott's Blade Runner is coming sometime in 2007 and now, the early works of Jodorowsky. What's next legit releases of Sweet Movie and The Exterminating Angel?

Another one of those 'If you're like...' deals, this time it's for P.T. Anderson fans because this site may become your new homepage. We're getting closer and closer to a new P.T. Anderson film; do you know how good it feels to say that? [link via Cigarettes and Red Vines]

Rob Zombie to do a 're-imagining' of Halloween or whatever that means. I loved The Devil's Rejects, thought it was one of the best films of 2005, but I caught bits and pieces of his first film House of 1000 Corpses the other night on IFC and well, I can say that Zombie has improved alot as a filmmaker, but I just wonder how stylized is his new spin off on the classic John Carpenter mythos is going to be, but more importantly is Rob Zombie going to be fucking with the theme music? Cause John Carpenter hasn't been working alot lately, but I'm pretty sure he has some 'f you' money from writing the theme for Halloween and receives a nice check each time they do a new one, but the dude could always use a little more money.

I think “8th & ocean” was just the tip of the iceberg in Miami

The last day of my screenwriting class (the class its self is whole other story that needs to be told one day, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel comfortable about the matter; hang out at Lee’s with me and I’ll break it down over some #4s), there was a twenty-minute discussion on the career of Brett Ratner. We broke down his whole career and attempted to figure out why he was chosen to be the replacement director on X-Men: The Last Stand. First a fairly successful Chris Tucker film, then the first Rush Hour which was followed by The Family Man a film that feels like he was attempting to distance himself from being a director of modest budget urban action comedy fare. Of course that film wasn’t a hit, so he returned to his bread & butter and made the even more successful Rush Hour 2, which allowed him the clout to make Red Dragon, which of course didn’t set the cinematic world ablaze.

Then Ratner sorta fell into a position of being a director for hire, with the film, After the Sunset coming in after another director left the project to direct a Jessica Alba film. And here we are now with X-Men: The Last Stand, which had a solid Memorial Day opening and is polarizing audiences and fanboys all across the country. After watching X-Men, which I have to admit is the Ratner film I’ve seen since the first Rush Hour, I realized why Ratner was the studio’s choice to replace Matthew Vaughn as well as Bryan Singer; technically, Ratner’s great. X-Men is a nice looking film (It doesn’t hurt Ratner that works consistently with a cinematographer like Dante Spinotti) with good special fxs.
For studio and theater owners it’s the perfect film. Coming in at a little over a 100 minutes long, split over three or four screens, there’s about 20 plus screenings a day. At the theater where I saw the film, it was playing on the half hour (9:30, 10, 10:30, 11). So there may have been little trickle down effect of people who missed a screening of the film going to watch The Da Vinci Code or just go home all together.

Yet for myself, I should’ve taken the cues from the cinema gods as I was heading toward the theater the other night. I got nothing but red lights and granted, I left a bit later than usual, I was still a couple of minutes late. Generally, I show up to things 15 to 20 minutes early; I figure the hike from the deepest part of the parking lot would take me that long. Anyways, the cinema gods were telling me with their red lights that I should turn back around and go to Huntington Beach and pick up that Werner Herzog/Klaus Kinski box set instead of watching Bret Ratner’s X-Men: The Last Stand. I know that I said it’s solid, well made film technically, it’s just that every line out of Halle Berry’s mouth feels like a speech that Mike D’Antoni has said a couple of times already during the playoffs. In the comics, Storm isn’t that interesting of a character or at least, she was never interesting to me and to make her the focal point of the film, just makes me believe that Fox as a studio isn’t concerned with presenting not only a well made film with a solid story, interesting characters and emotion, but a film under the direction of somebody who’ll appease one of the franchise’s larger stars.

Another thing that the film has managed to do was make to Wolverine a boring character. Wolverine, arguably one of the greatest characters in the history of comic books, yet in this film, not only his bizarrely over emotional, but also he’s been stripped all of that makes him interesting and such a great character. Where was that moment in X2 where Wolverine goes nuts as that one government group attacks the Mansion, remember that part? Wolverine acts like an actual Wolverine but in this film, the character has been de-clawed. Granted there are action sequences and moments where Wolverine fights in the film, but there’s no passion or fury in those sequences. There are moments also where it just seems completely out of character for Wolverine and I’m not sure if I’m going to SPOILERS territory, but that one scene where Wolverine acts like a guest on “Tyra” whose scared of garden gnomes was just lame and weak.

The film its self has a very off-putting rhythm that prevents the audience from making a connection with the new characters. Going back to the film’s length for a minute, 100 plus minutes is perfect for theater owners, but it doesn’t really work when there’s as many characters as there would be in an early Robert Altman film (Although, it should be noted that was nice stunt casting with Michael Murphy ). Singer managed to give each character their own scene to either show the potential of their power or provide a quick bit of back story where as this film is just a hodge podge of pep talk speeches, scenes of exposition that actually provide no exposition or the audience is just assume and create the back story in their head, which is rather a post modern concept for a mainstream film.

But in other words, Singer allowed interesting characters to be interesting for a couple of minutes on their own as opposed to having a bulk of the dialogue spoken by the extremely lackluster Storm. Whatever new characters there were in the film, we never get to meet them or see their powers. Like that big tall “L-Word” out Hispanic lady; what was her story? Let alone, what was her character name? She seemed cool and perhaps the back story that I created in my head that she was a big fan of Morrissey, which explained the haircut. And the other evil new mutants, just appeared out of nowhere when it was convenient for the story. Like that one Asian chick, she was just in that scene in the church and towards the end of the film, kaboomba, she appears out of thin air. Granted it was probably one of her powers, but where the fuck was she during any of the other scenes, ya dig?

It’s these Buick size plot holes that I can’t get over. Every film has plot holes, but for some reason, Ratner just brings them to the forefront of his films. And it’s getting me distracted from my main point. The character Kitty Pryde is pretty cool and the actress Ellen Page brings this weird, slacked jaw vibe to the character. Kitty Pryde feels like what if Ann from “Arrested Development” was a superhero and it’s funny, but I wish I had more time with the character instead of two, rather boring exposition scenes.

And I don’t know what it is, but I’m more passionate about bad movies than I’m about great films. I wish I could talk at length as to why Reflections of Evil is so brilliant and how everybody should see it. Yet I worry that not only will I spill the movie’s storyline and great moments, but I just worry that if somebody takes my recommendation and doesn’t like it, they’ll track me down and say, “Hey, I watched that piece of shit movie and I want my time back,” and I’ll fumble around in an attempt to apologize for my recommendation. It’d be like when somebody from a charity comes up to you in a store and asks for a donation.

Has that ever happen to you? I was in a Barnes & Nobles over the weekend, flipping through some book when this girl pops out of nowhere asking if I’d like to donate and of course, I say I would, mainly so the person would leave me alone. I assume I could slip her a buck or two, but she pulls out a clipboard and motions for me to sign it. The paper is filled with written donations from other people, that she probably bugged in the bookstore, for amounts like 50 to 100 bucks and I’m going to assume that those people had no real attention in paying the amount they pledged. So I was just befuddled and slipped her a dollar, hoping she’d go away.

Yet it’s just another reoccurring problem in my life; I do not have the ability to successfully function with other people. Or it’s I just run into the world’s most annoying people all the time. When I was in the bookstore, there was some guy sitting in one of the couches, singing along with the Beatles on the loud system, which at first is funny and interesting, but it becomes just grating after the third or fourth song. It’s a less extreme version of the old guy at my local Tower Records every Saturday evening.

You see there’s a guy, who without failing will be there on Saturday night, playing air guitar and singing at the top of his lungs to any album that is in the listening stations. Doesn’t matter, scratch that, probably does matter because I haven’t heard him do hip hop yet, but he loves country and rock ‘n’ roll. The first time, you see this guy, you’re freaking out and attempt to take a video of it with your phone because its some short crazy guy pretending to be Eddie Van Halen while listening to Braid Paisley or whatever. It’s a classic moment. Then the second time, you see the individual, it becomes more like a nature video and well, you view the beast from a closer perspective I.E. casually walking down his aisle in an attempt to catch a whiff of the alcohol he had been secretly consuming on the back of the bus earlier that day, but once you go in for that close inspection, you’re more sad and scared. Sad because the people who work there have to deal with the guy, but at the same time, it’s there own fault that they continue to let the guy do his thing every night.

It’s these little moments that make life great, but it needs to be taken with a grain of salt. For example, a great moment I’ve witnessed was when I saw four people at midnight dancing in a parking lot to the early 90s Alice Cooper comeback single, “Poison”. It was amazing and it’ll never be duplicated and it justified wasting a couple of hours watching Art School Confidential. Just a single moment.

So if I have a point, I think it’s this, let’s be weird and random only for a little bit. If you’re going to be the wacky guy at the baseball game with the great zinger about some player. Say it once to your friends, see if they laugh and if they do, say it more loudly, so everybody else can hear it.

Baseball games for me at least, is where I realized this or at least on the matter of heckling. Hopefully, I’m not alone in this thinking, but whenever you or any of your buddies heckle, its pretty funny, but when anybody else heckles, you shoot that person the evilest of evil eyes. Why do we react this way? Basically, we’re all doing the same thing, so why is it any different if you or the guy two rows in front whose constantly chanting the name of the right outfielder for the Twinkies? Why is there a double standard in heckling or is it just a matter of people doing a shitty job and we’re upset with them because they could be making better jokes.

I also get mad because the stadium cameramen aren’t that too on the ball with the in between innings jumbtron action. Yeah, kids are cute and all, especially since they’re not mine, but you know, I saw three drunk girls leaning with it and rocking with it to Queens’ “We Will Rock You,” and I bet you dollars to donuts they could do some snappy moves to whatever song they’re playing. And why don’t the people behind the music at stadiums play the theme from Brokeback Mountain when a catcher has a meeting with the pitcher? That’d be hilarious, instead of the “Jeopardy!” for the 10 millionth time.

It should be noted that one time Robin Brown did pitch me an album for parody songs to play at baseball games and other sporting events. It was pretty killer, somebody should give him the money to do it.

And I don’t know why I’m going back there, but one last thing about X-Men: The Last Stand. I was sitting next to these super scene’ed out guys and well, I have to say that I’m indifferent to the scene. I love the kids because without them, I wouldn’t have my first script, Mindy Mallard (it’s WGA registered, so if you’re all CAA, hit me up), but at the same time, I strongly dislike them and how they can casually wear a heavy pea coat in the middle of the summer. Sure, it’s the evening and all, but to me, a pea coast just isn’t the right coat for 65 deesgres. I know that it’s Southern California and nice coat like that is virtually useless unless you buy it here to go on vacation in the wintertime.

And these kids have, well maybe it’s not all of their fault, some of the blame has to be placed upon Shaun White and the stylist who said that side bangs work for guys cause this kid who was sitting next to me during X-Men had all of his bangs in his face and like every 10 minutes or so, he’d violently shake his head and briefly get his hair out of his face. Now, it maybe it’s a me issue or belief, but if your hair has gotten to the point where it’s affecting your movie watching experience, isn’t it to get a hair cut? Maybe the guy is on the hair cutting cycle that I used to be on (a hair cut at the end/start of a new semester at school.), but nowadays, every two months, I’m at the hair cutting school, getting things cut unless it’s mid of the semester, then I wait until the thing is done.

It should be noted that this update is a tribute to The Passion of the Weiss; the dude is destroying things and it should be at the tippy top of your daily reads or at least every couple of days.

Also, before I go even further, cause I think I’m going to going on for a couple more pages, this was written off and on over a weeklong period. So yeah, it’s confusing. Also, this will have to last until Wednesday morning. I’m working the polls during the primary elections.

Another thing that I’m just putting out there, if you’re going to call somebody on the phone, it’s best not to have Uncle Luke’s “Head, Head, and More Head” playing in the background. Granted, it’s a great song, but if you’re talking to somebody who you don’t know too terribly well, they’re going to get the wrong impression of you. If it’s a friend on the phone, go ahead and crank it up and make a joke about the song, and even go as far as to put the phone next to the speaker, if possible. Other wise, if it’s some girl you’ve been trying to talk with for a couple of days, you may want to turn down the part where, well, the less said, the better.

I know we’re living in a Stern on Sirius world, but sometimes, you just gotta be subtle on the matter. Although, if it wasn’t for Sirius, I probably wouldn’t have been in that situation to begin with.

If Lauren aka ‘L.C.’ doesn’t get fired on the next episode of MTV’s ”The Hills”, then Teen Vogue as well as Vogue has lost any credibility. If that was any other girl from USC or even UC Riverside, home girl would’ve been fired then and there for sneaking her friends into a party in addition to goofing off while on the job. It’s utter bullshit. She didn’t do her job and irregardless of the MTV camera crew that trails her around, she should be out of an internship.

“The Hills,” its self with exception to the sassy brunette, is boring. It’s two rich blondes living in Ashlee Simpson’s old apartment (If those walls could talk, it’d say that Ryan Cabberra makes the grossiest of ropes; he's alot like Philip Seymour Hoffman in Happiness and they prefer the The Hours era Ashlee Simpson) and the wacky adventures they have in between meals at Geisha House. The problem is Lauren. Maybe after all of these years, she’s still nervous in front of camera and absolutely zero personality shines through on the show. She’s monotone and flat even when she’s excited or upset about something or at least I’m assuming that she’s feeling those emotions at the time.

Now I’ve only seen David Fincher’s The Game once (I’d see it again, but I can’t find it on DVD and I keep on hearing about a special edition; also, what kind of Fincher fan am I?) once, but from what I remember of it, it had its moments. Hopefully, you can see where I’m going with this, but to make “The Hills” a more interesting and more importantly, a believable show, pull a Game on L.C. She comes back from a long night over at some other restraint owned by Ashton Kutcher or a clay table session with Danny ‘DJ Donkey Punch’ Masterson and her apartment is a mess. The HD TV is smashed into a million pieces, all the designer clothes have been covered with chocolate and bleach, the dumb roommate has disappeared except for a collection of extremely sleazy Polaroids involving the roomie that’d make the Mark the Cobra Snake hang in his head in shame. The camera crew is there following every moment as L.C. attempts to not only piece the puzzle of what happened to her roommate and HD TV, but who would want to ruin her life, etc. Each week, she manages to put another piece together and by the end of the week, she discovers that it was the producers who ruined her life, but at the end of the season, Kristin Cavalleri gives L.C. an prize package from STA Travel, Dell Computers and a free I River. Now, that’s a spin off or at least the next season of ‘Real World/Road Rules Challenge’. Coral’s life is turn upside and ends up beating Mormon Julie in her quest for truth.

On the subject of the Road Rules/Real World Challenges, I tried to watch that “Fresh Meat” thing for about 5 minutes before I turned the damn thing off. There’s just a lot of bad going out with that show. There’s that Wes guy with his ‘fire crotch’ mohawk pretending to be like Abram and there’s that Danny guy with that horrible accent and that stupid hat. All I thought about was when is that guy that punched Danny in “Real World: Austin” going to cruise by and punch him in the face again? So I have no clue if my pick as one to watch is actually one to watch. And T.J. Lavin, jeez, that guy must’ve came from the school of reality television as L.C. did. Where’s the energy? Where’s the passion? Where’s the enthusiasm? Let the dude do a couple of key bumps before he’s going to be on camera or something.

Or is that the new thing? Hosts that really aren’t that into what they’re doing and just making
sure the checks are deposited directly into the account twice a month?

The problem with the Al Gore film, An Inconvenient Truth is that the people who pretty much already believe that Global Warming is a key issue facing not only our country, but the whole world will be the only ones who’ll be watching this film. It’s a film that everybody should see because while the impact of global warming may not necessarily affect you and me today or tomorrow, it’s something that’ll affect us in 30 years from now, when you and me have children. And that’s the problem, we being a nation of procrastinators (myself included), we’re going to put off the problem until it’s breathing down our neck like an alien in a sci-fi movie about people trapped in a space station. The skeptics won’t see it because there’s this impression that Al Gore is a complete bore and well, the environment doesn’t seem as pressing in the grand scheme of things.

Yet, Gore presents himself as an entertaining and compassionate man in the film. Granted, there’s no such thing as subjective truth in movies, but the claims he makes about the state of the world and where it’s heading is clearly presented with fairly bulletproof evidence. As you watch the film, one wishes that Bush with all of the free time he seems to have on his hands being one of the most important figures, if not the most important could make a documentary or even a brief infomercial explaining why are we still in Iraqi, why were we in Iraqi in the first place, how is the search for Osama Bin Laden going, but knowing this administration it’d be a film full of deflection about illegal immigration and how gay marriage will destroy our country.

Besides being a 90 minute commercial for the MacBook Pro, An Inconvenient Truth presents its evidence well, but more importantly, it provides answers and solutions to the problems that the world is currently facing. One only wonders what could have happened if Florida voted the right way.

Have you seen the trailer of the latest from the director of Match Point, Scoop yet? I didn't know that Woody Allen had fallen off so much that he now has to be refered as the director of Match Point. don't get me wrong, match point is a great film, but Woody Allen has made a couple of great ones besides that one for example Crimes and Misdemeanors.

The one thing I'll say about that Gods Girls[NSFW] site and this surprised me quite a bit: a lot of crotch shots. Not saying that it's a bad thing nor am I saying is that it's a good thing; its just a thing.

Bullet Point Thoughts on Songs:

-“Number #1” by Pharrell Featuring Kanye West; I know that Sean of Hardly Art called the track ‘yacht rap’, but I don’t know why that I like the song. The song is so lackluster and feels as if no effort has been put into the song; literally, Kanye & Pharrell want to crank out a tune and get back onto their yacht which has dropped anchor in the south of France. Let us not forget that usually when super producers collaborate together on a track its going to be a let down with a few exceptions (pretty much just Madvillain); so the level of disappointment with Skateboard P & the Louis Vitton Don makes the tune enjoyable, if that makes sense.

-“Don’t Feel Right” by The Roots; Now, I don’t believe that this is a completely original statement, but I’d listen to the Roots more often, but I’m not a fan of Black Thought as a rapper. Well, I take that back, I’m just indifferent to Black Thought. He has had some nice lines here and there, but he has never wowed me. “Don’t Feel Right” is no different lyrically, but that beat or groove or whatever you want to call it is just infectious. It’s a great song to drive around with; you’re going to be at stop lights, trying to slam your hands onto the steering wheel as hard as ?uestlove is on record. I know that S.Carter is a Roots fan, but I’m surprised he hasn’t made the executive order to replace Black Thought with somebody like local favorite Bus Driver. Yeah, Bus Driver is a bit more abstract, but he sounds good, really good over guitars and live drums.

-“Who’s Gonna Ride” by Christina Milian featuring Three 6 Mafia and Cool & Dre; First and foremost, I think I need to do a recount on the Hot 10 of ‘06 because Christina Milian isn’t on that list and she has to be one of the hotter girls out there right now and secondly, while I heard part of the version of this song with Dre; I’ve only fully heard a leaked version on said song with Lil’ Wayne on it, never the less, it’s a weird song. Juicy J & DJ Paul on basically what amounts to a Nick Cannon diss song. It’s a good thing cause Nick Cannon is anything but hilarious. Between this tune, the previously released “Say I,” and “Chevy Ridin’ High,” this may be the summer of Cool & Dre.

-“Man Eater” by Nelly Furtado & “My House” by Lloyd Banks: Although, it may also be the summer of Timbaland. “My House” is a good beat, but it lacks the constant shifts in tempos and style of the classic Timbaland tracks. Then again, “Ugly,” didn’t really have that many tempo shifts. I think that’s why I like his stuff so much. It’s like the weather in Arizona; just wait a couple of seconds, it’ll sound completely different. “Man Eater” is just amazing.

-“Creep” by Mobb Deep. Everybody has written about the new Mobb Deep album and how much it sucks. I have it, but I haven’t even listened to it yet. From the singles and tunes on the radio, it sounds like another typical record from G-Unit Records (nobody on the label can make a better record than 50 Cent), but the beat for “Creep,” or at least the first couple of seconds is good, when they start to rap, it sucks. Havoc should stick to make beats or at least, let the Alchemist produce more than two songs on the album.

-"Playhouses" by TV On the Radio: If you're a person with little patience, but enough patience to find a leaked copy of the album and wait until it finshes downloading, then you're probably already stoked on the openning song from the new TVOTR album "Return to Cookie Mountain". Many tempo shifts, a little more upbeat than stuff on the last record. Can't you just see the hipsters dancing to it now?

Here’s the obligatory reference to the MTV Movie Awards that happened over the weekend. Would’ve posted a photo of Will Ferrell and John C. Reliey, but that new movie doesn’t look that funny to me. Steve Carrell, well, still not over how his penned season finale of “The (American) Office” turned the whole Jim & Pam thing into another variation of the ‘Ross & Rachel’ thing which may in turn mean less storylines about Creed stealing things; why can’t Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration and Phyllis be the new Ross & Rachel? As for the girls at the MTV Movie Awards, there’ll be everywhere else as well as video of them smoking in SUVS with the daughter of one of O.J.’s lawyers. So, you see it just makes more sense to shout Isla Fisher. She was pretty funny in The Wedding Crashers and she’s engaged to Sacha Baron Cohen, whose like one of the funniest people in the world.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but Orange County is a weird place, man. For example, the other day, I was at an outdoor shopping center, going to get a cold buster smoothie from Jamba; I have a bit of a summer cold currently. So as I’m walking over to Jamba, I pass by an outdoor concert of some band, sounded a bit shitty, so I kept on walking, but I did happen to notice there was an awful lot of gutter punks, bro punks and punks with strollers and there was a mosh pitt.

So I come back after getting my smoothie and I pause for a moment and realize that the band on stage was local favorites Guttermouth as they start to play my favorite song by them from my junior high punk rock days, “Lipstick”. It’s such a surreal moment, well not as surreal as the time I saw a girl do a photo shoot with about 20 photography students in front of a classroom at my school last year, but fairly surreal. As the band sung censored lyrics because we must not offend the ears of any families and young children walking by, but any moment, they were ready to drop the f bombs. And well, the kids in the front, moshing probably filled in the blanks. The most surreal aspect of the whole show was the fact that not only did Guttermouth play in front of a ferris wheel, but also Nordstrom & Anthropologie.

I have yet to hear Nico Vega, but their lead singer is rather attractive, so it must mean that they’re an excellent band, right?

I feel as if I’ve left something out, but I’m not too terribly sure. I have learned though that my spelling is horrendous.

And finally, I hate to say it, but the season finale of “Big Love” was a let down. It had a really uneven feeling to it in spite of being written by series creators Mark V. Olsen & Will Scheffer. First part of the episode was the rather broad, yet darkly comedic stuff involving Wanda poisoning Alby and the ensuing cover up. The performances just felt so awkward; like in the backyard with a camcorder, making a monster movie with friends during the summer vakay awkward and the cast is such a great cast. And I’d hate to say it also, but I think they’re relaying too much on the old sitcom stand up of somebody overhearing people talking behind their back; the stuff with Nikki was just bad. There were all of the storylines coming all at once, but they’re just thrown to wayside once Barb goes to the Mother of Year thing. Granted, that was the big thing that’ll greatly affect the second season, but I still need a bit more resolution on the other storylines in the episode. Perhaps, I can’t wait another year to find out what’s going on with Roman Grant and Margene and Rhonda.

Doesn’t matter that much cause “Deadwood” starts next week and there’ll be two made for HBO movies that’ll wrap everything up. So David Milch wasn't being a dick, it was HBO being the dick.