There are moments where I wish I could fully explain to you, the loyal audience as to why I think the image above of ‘artist’/pop star Cheyenne Kimball eating a slice of pizza that has to be bigger than her head is the funniest thing in the world to me. I mean it’s not as funny as that photo of Chris Matthews eating potatoes on “The Colbert Report” last week, but you know, famous people eating food the size of their had is pretty awesome.
Back to Cheyenne for a moment, doesn’t she know Industry Rule#4081? Never ever act with, direct, or have a cameo by somebody you’re dating in your music video. Geez, I know that she’s an artist and an optimist, but come on, have a little common sense. Do you know how embarrassed Axel Rose is every time somebody talks to him about the November Rain video? Sure, it may have worked for Kurt & Goldie, but does the movie Overboard really count? So like in mid 2007, when Cheyenne is showing her first music video to her new boyfriend, she’s going to have an awkward moment attempting to explain why there’s a creepy stoner dude with dreads holding her hand. There should be a second set of class for celebrities or at least, people who are about to become celebrities where they explain all of these industry rules and hopefully, soon after class, everybody will be like, “hey, rule number 4080, you’re all so shady!”
I miss the days when Q-Tip could rap. Does anybody really believe that A Tribe Called Quest will get back together again or will it take some crazy Japanese businessman, Kanye West and an episode of “My Super Sweet 16,” for them to perform “Electric Relaxation” live again? If that one girl was willing to drop what was a couple of grand for Keak Da Sneak to play her party, I bet there’s some other nerdy kid out there could drop a hundred grand to get Tribe together to do at least “Find A Way.”
Nobody beats the Thigh Master or the Biz or the Whiz
How polarizing is “Inside Peanut Butter, Outside Jelly,” by Cadillac Don & J-Money? I’m a fan of the steel drum and the chorus, but I dunno about this one.
Is it me or is “Little Wing,” by Jimi Hendrix the greatest cock tease in the history of music? You know, Hendrix was a great guitarist and all, but the best part of that song is the percussion. It just slays me and when the song starts to groove on, it’s over. So you see, not all musicians should experiment with drugs while recording because they’ll short change greatness. You know, Good Charlotte, go nuts and shoot heroin into your collective ball sacs. That “Little Wing” should be as long if not longer than “Everybody Daylight,” by Brightblack Morning Light.
Track listing for the new DJ Shadow album, “The Outsider,” hitting the stores in September and probably already bootlegged on the internets. I’ll wait thank you very much or at least, until mid August.
New Mars Volta album in August. Sounds like more of “Frances the Mute,” and less of the first album, but never the less, it’ll still be a solid record to drive around with.
It should be noted that I did not make the Willa Holland My Space Photo of the Week animated GIF file. I actually found it on a Willa Holland fan site. So either some fan took the time to make it or Willa Holland made it herself or some dude whose a friend with her in real life that has a major crush on her made it for her, but never the less, it wasn’t me.
A professor of mine put Zooey Deschanel in a weird light for me a couple of months ago because he would always say that this thing I wrote would be a perfect vehicle for her to be in, but the script was about a high school student and no offense to Zooey Deschanel, but she can’t pull off a high school student. The adorable, cooler, more interesting best friend/sidekick to that basset hound Sarah Jessica Parker, yes.
I knew I should’ve taken up my friend’s offer to sleep on the floor of his hotel room while he was in Vegas this weekend Nah, I probably made the right decision to pass. Besides, had a killer weekend anyways.
Which leads me to say that I went to Disneyland for the first time, in well, a very long time. Clinton was in office the last time, I was there. I stayed for so long because well, I had a hellacious time the last time I was there and I’d rather not speak of it, and well, for the most part, I just don’t like people. In particular, I have a great disdain for the people who I always manage to get behind while I’m trying to walk somewhere fast at Disneyland. Without fail, there’ll always be a slow moving family of 28 with about 14 strollers between them moving slower than a snail while I’m trying to rush over to some ride because one of the stupid shows is being performed. Disneyland can be a fun place, but only if you’re a bunch of tourists, a couple, and under 10 years old. Other wise than that, what business does 12-year-old boys being there, let alone, how in the hell do they have the money to go? Of course, they could have a season pass, which would make sense if they’re from the 714 area because, well, Disneyland is their mall and that’s where they go to hang out when school is out and on the weekends. Catch a movie at Downtown Disney and maybe go and holler at some out of town chicks while in line for the Matterhorn (Chris Kaman said “Hey” when I rode the Matterhorn).
It’s a fun place to go if you’re pulling a page out of the John Stamos dating handbook, but Disneyland can be made even better. First and foremost and I’m unsure how much this will cost, but let’s update the Star Tours ride. We don’t need any prequel related ride bullshit; sorry George Lucas. The ride its self is a classic, but you know, let’s film another trip the audience could go on or at least a couple of them so the audience will be surprised that they’re riding something different every time or rather disgruntled that they’re always going to Hoth or whatever. It’s been nearly twenty years, so it’s okay update and I’m sure that Lucas would appreciate more money for the licensing fees; the dude has car payments out the ass.
Perhaps, the biggest thing that needs to Disneyland and it may hurt business, but there needs to be a ban on strollers. Well, take that back, they need to ban strollers and not have two firework displays going on at the same time. Do you know how hard it is to find a way over to Tomorrowland when you have to deal with some slow moving guy with a stroller and some toddler whose not watching where he’s walking because there’s a firework display set to theme from Star Wars? It’s worse than avoiding the empty bottles in the parking lot after Ozzfest and or a Toby Keith concert. The rule should be this, if you can’t walk around the whole day at Disneyland, then you’re not old enough to go. Strollers just impede the process like a third party presidential candidate; the quicker we move, the sooner we get to where we need to be and the happier we all are. You know, most people on the freeway drive like assholes and I do this too, but you know, we change lane after lane hopping around slow moving cars in order to get where? School or work? Why are we in such a rush on the freeway, but once its Disneyland, we’re all moving in slow motion. People got shit to do, too and your stupid dumb tired kid will not stop me from riding Big Thunder Mountain for the third time today. Lose the strollers, then it will truly be the happiest place on earth.
Also, lose the vindictive, bitter, angry, jealous girls who tell people where to sit at Splash Mountain; this girl put us in the very front of the ride and we walked the rest of the day with wet clothes and I may come down with something from that super clean and delicious Disney recycled water. Yet here’s the kicker, the very same girl who put us in the front, also put another young, hip couple in the front. We had a mini bitch session together while wringing out our clothing.
Anybody else want to go to a Damnocracy show with me? Well, I’ll buy a round of drinks and we have to be in the front for their cover of “Ace of Spades,” but the rest of the time, we can hang in the back and be undercover metal heads.
I hope that Mr. Hefner is on the other end of the line with Dumb Brunette aka Aundria from MTV’s “The Hills.” It’d be great to see Ashlee Simpson and all in Playboy; she’s got a black belt in body karate, whether we like it or not, but come on, we all know that’d never happen or at least not right now. You know, 10 years from now, when nobody gives a shit, it’ll happen. You see these people are missing the boat. Aundria is the person to ask to get naked in the magazine, before you know Maxim snatches her up or even worse, FHM takes boring photos. It’s a win-win situation. She gets publicity and the name out there and we get to see her shut up and without a top on.
Semi related: RE: “The Hills,” shout outs to Dumb Blonde#01’s boyfriend, Jordan for rocking the sorta classic Oakley sunglasses while on the green last week.
Also, "Entourage," was a clunker again, last night? Shrek dolls? Paul Hagis references? Mondo Retardo. The people need a Drama spin off or at least an episode just about him. But remember I've never seen the first season nor all of the second season.