Bad Touch Example aka Buddy, you don't look hip.
I’d write a long winded review about Snakes on a Plane, but I’m going to pull a card out of the big book of Spinal Tap record reviews: “Bullshit on a Plane”. The filmmakers wanted to make a cool, cheap B-Picture with great lines and deaths, but instead it’s just a clunky mess of boring deaths and a lack of great lines. The big line, “I’m tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane,” lacks any punch because Samuel L Jackson said the line all over the place even on my man Keith’s show, so the impact of it is a bit lost, but you know, he should’ve had more lines that we’d see as MySpace quotes for months to come. Samuel L. Jackson never comes as that bad ass as the audience wants him to be. He’s on the verge, but never quite there. You know, if Sam Jackson was that bad ass he’s supposed to be, there would’ve been a line or two about how he wants to save some of those motherfucking snakes cause Daddy needs some new motherfucking snakeskin boots and or snakeskin wallets. “Snakes on Crack,” doesn’t do it for me.
The film wants to be over the top, but it never got over the top enough for me. Granted I live on a cinematic diet including the works of Lucio Fulci, so I’m not sure some snakes on a plane could ever top a zombie fighting a shark in my book of movie cool, but it should come awfully close. There’s no great death in the movie that either had me rolling in the aisles with laughter or muttering under my breath, “rad!”. Perhaps I was distracted by the fact that right before the movie started a woman a couple of seats to the left of me threatened to ‘fuck some one up’ after the movie cause a teen asked her to move a seat down, so the teen could sit with his friend. I shouldn’t be thinking about that potential non-incident more often than I’m thinking about who is going to die next and how? The snake attacks while being fairly gory for a mini major studio release still lacks that punch of greatness. Also, there were tacked on extra scenes of gore that felt a little out of place. Yeah, chaos and snakes begets crazy and out of control behavior out of people, but the heel of a shoe stuck in some guy’s ear feels really out of place to me. I know that I’m contradicting myself, but that particular death was memorable because it felt so out of place.
Snakes On A Plane lacks that great moment that’ll have people talking for years about. That moment a film like Anaconda had; Jon Voight’s death sequence. That sly little wink Voight gives to the camera and Jennifer Lopez as he’s been spit up by the giant snake is classic. Anaconda worked as a better animalploitation picture because the marketing plan wasn’t out presenting the film as this over the top monster house of a film. It tried to be legit and scary, but as I found myself in theater laughing my ass off with a bunch of people looking at me like I was crazy because they were scared. Robin Brown said that Anaconda experience may have better than Snakes On A Plane because very few were in on the joke where as every one is on the joke of Snakes On A Plane.
I get the joke, but I was just expecting it to be funnier and well, more fun. The film just wore its self out after an hour; I wish the filmmakers would’ve talked to Wes Craven and asked him how to make a 73 minute movie. Not to mention, the cinematography degrades the film to a feeling more like a made for the Sci-Fi channel movie of the week. Take pride in making a good ‘bad’ movie. There were sequences in the film that didn’t even look as if they were finished. I can see how that may add to the kitsch factor of the film, but at that same time, it’s just being lazy. Making an intentionally B movie isn’t an excuse and why did they stop there? Why not throw in some boom shadows on dramatic moments and extras waving at the camera as digital snakes are biting them?
You know, the most exciting part of a movie about deadly snakes attacking people on a plane shouldn't be the potential nip slip from Maja Ivarsson of the Sounds & Cobra Starship as well as her ass cleavage, which slightly changes the forthcoming proclaimed death of shorty shorts, but her part in the music video during the closing credits is a bit more interesting than the film its self.
Then again as I said a week ago, I don’t get movies anymore. You know, I’m just going to watch Gummo to wash the taste of this movie out of my mouth and just hang around the Criterion Collection section at my DVD store and read David Bordwell and talk about how Roger Corman used to make ‘em back in the day.