Y’all know that I’m a big fan of Kristen Bell in particular, her work on the brilliant show that everybody and their overweight cousin who has to wear a t-shirt when he goes to the beach should be watching, “Veronica Mars”. She manages to be funny, charming and intense while only being barely 5 feet tall. Yet, it’s a bit frustrating to see that her first film in the wave of her success on “V.Mars,” is Pulse. She had to have better scripts come in through her agent’s door or were they all bullshit parts in big movies? Come on, Pulse? The past couple of weeks, I’ve been struggling to write this article about the films of the 2000s, thus far. First draft blew and in the second draft, I’ve been outlining, I started to look at how a lot of the horror films in recent memory in addition to being let’s not be scared of a potential masked killer stalking sexy hippies, but instead, let’s watch this guy use a blow torch on this chick’s face, it’s been one big catch up game to whatever horror movies Japanese filmmakers were doing in the late 90s and early 2000s. Everybody wants to be like Miike or Nakata or whoever the dude that directed the original version of The Grudge and those guys were just trying to catch up with whatever David Lynch was doing Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (shout outs to Bob). Now, Pulse is a remake of a Japanese film that totally sucked and probably one of the worst films by that director. If you’re going to do an American remake of any film by Kiyoshi Kurosawa, then please let it be Charisma. The Japanese Pulse was completely boring and not scary at all. In real life, I’m perhaps more frightened by ghosts, but in movies, ghosts are stupid. How can a ghost use a blowtorch on some chick’s face? Oh, a ghost is on my computer, big whoop. My email is haunted and full of spam from my dead friend, boring. Where’s the zombies chomping on some body’s brain while Alexis Bledel, riding a beach cruiser, blows their heads off with a sawed off double barrell shotgun while the audience feels a sonic assault on their ears as Sleep’s “Dragonaut” blasts out the Dolby Digital 5.1 surround system, enhanced naturally by THX. That’s scary and that’s fun and that’s intense. What’s so scary about Christina Milian being pulled into a laundry machine by a ghost? Maybe she can find everybody’s lost sock. Ghosts in movies are boring enough, so why remake another movie that’s just going to be as boring?
Sorry, Kristen B. I would’ve seen it if you know, you were some girl, who along with the rest of your sexy class from Catholic school got trapped on some crazy island in the pacific that’s full of scary monsters and it’s up to you and your priest, Paul Giamatti to fight your way back to society, but I got to pass because we all know how scary spam e mail can be.
Further related, if anybody has the financing, let's try to make a zombie movie with Alexis Bledel and get like the Blood Brothers to do the score or something. It'd be killer. Cut a promo trailer for foreign invenstors using "1, 2, 3, 4 Guitars," we'd get a poop load of money.
Now that he's on Sirius, Howard Stern has taken as many day offs as George W. Bush. They claim to be no bullshit, but I'm calling bullshit on the matter.
Hawthorne Heights, who are not from the city of Hawthorne are suing their record label for a bunch of bullshit reasons. Does anybody want to join my counter lawsuit against Hawthorne Heights for making shitty music?
Although why do I even bother with the lawsuits because nobody is willing to join in my class action lawsuit against Cedric the Entertainer for false advertisement and misrepresentation. When was the last time he made you laugh, let alone entertained you? I think we have something there people, but nobody is into it.
Yesterday, MTV pulled the plug on what happened to be one of the shows I hated, yet I loved for some reason, “Why Can’t I Be You?”. The sleazy charm and condescending attitude of host Nick Zano was beginning to win me over. Sure, at times, Zano seemed like he’d be a perfect drinking buddy for Mel Gibson, but there was this quality to his hosting skills, well, it’s kinda of like a car crash on the side of the road. It’s not that he’s a bad host or anything, but you know how when you’re stuck in traffic on the freeway cause all of us are looking at some fender bender, for that brief minute, we actually see the crash, we’re a little bit excited but the whole rest of the time, we’re pissed at everybody else for wasting our time over a Suzuki smashing into the back of a Nissan. He’s like rubber necking traffic, but in a good way. And the show its self, had endless possibilities; where was the episode about the punk rock girl (she loves Fallout Boy & The Academy is…) who wants to become the cheerleader cause we had the reverse of that already with the Hot Topic GBH girl taught the Topanga Canyon version of Lindsay Lohan how to be punk rock. The show was just starting to get great as we saw more episodes where the person who wanted to be like somebody was disappointed by that person’s lifestyle. Oh no, not every episode was a happy story. And MTV showed “Why Can’t I Be You,” no respect by replacing it with an episode of “My Own”. I can’t watch Nick Zano make some off color comment, but I can watch some stupid guy tried to make some girl into his own Fergie? Mondo retardo. If they’re going to do that, at least move “Next” to 6, so nobody has to worry about flipping back forth between that and Countdown.
Straight Bangin’ has the best video from You Tube I’ve seen in a very long time.
The Fader nails it on the music used in last Sunday’s episode of “Entourage”; While it was great to hear “Luchini” in a casino montage, it still could have been cooler though. Never the less, I slightly retract my statements earlier about the music supervisors to quote Pharrell who was quoting Snoop, “step their game up.” I’m just wondering if the same people who didn’t think the end of Talladega Nights was funny felt as uncomfortable with the Drama storyline the other night? Next to Seth Green, that was the funniest part of the episode.
The Thigh Master on Lollapalooza ’06 & Chicago.
Sorry nerds, including myself: No New Snake Plissken movie cause John Carpenter is too busy playing video games.
Some how, this week developed a theme because I’m writing about another sitcom opening credits sequence. Honestly, I miss the early days of TGIF where sitcoms had great credit sequences that said so much about the character and the wackiness of the show. No credit sequence does it better than “Perfect Strangers”. Great theme song; upbeat & uplifting and perhaps more importantly, easy to sing along with. We get an indication of the location, Chicago and all the elements in the city as highlighted by the scene where Cousin Larry struggles to walk through the rough winds of the Windy City and the other scene where Baliki eagerly goes to a Cubs game. Which also highlights and illustrates the show’s wackiness. Here’s these two crazy guys, struggling to make their way in the big city and even though, they’re going to have some hilarious problems, they’re going to succeed because nothing is going to stop them and they have each other to fall back on.