When Disco Killed The Funk Part 3
I didn’t need to watch the VMAs to know that Britney Spears who used to be a hot mess I found attractive turned into a hot mess who looks more like Brooke Hogan or one of those trannies hanging around Santa Monica Blvd into the wee hours of the morning (you know, whatever reference works best for you). Why doesn’t Britney just give up on the career and become another one of those Malibu trophy wives? There’s some Sultan or the weird son of Sultan out there that could use a trophy wife, right? Or maybe she should just move up to Oakland and hang out with Too $hort. Not to mention, who cares about the VMAs anymore? Ever since Axel quit showing up drunk and Krist Novoselic wasn’t throwing his bass up in the air, I haven’t been into it. Also, that was around the same time, MTV and me went separate ways in turns of music with exception to “120 Minutes.” Why isn’t the award show on YouTube this year because that’s how a majority of us watch videos these days. The only things I see on MTV these days are glamorous rich kids hanging out and Tyra Banks. That’s all I ever fucking see. Where’s their award show? Best On Screen in a Lightly Scripted Reality Drama? Biggest Boobs? (And no, Shauvon from “Real World: Sydney” would not win) Best Marathon of a Reality Series that has yet to produce America’s “Next Top Model”?
The real question that demands to be answered is what did I do in my life to this cruel and unjust punishment of having Tyra Banks in my life? It was okay when she was trying to be an actress and what not, but now, it’s getting unbearable. I really do think that I’m being punished for something I’ve done in my life. Sure as of late, I haven’t been keeping kosher, but after you’ve had the carnitas burrito from El Burrito JR, you try to keep to kosher, okay? And I know that I swear too much, but do I deserve to have a life filled with this monstrous woman and her unbearable sense of self worth? Maybe I’m not meant to campaign for Democratic presidential candidates? If I talk about how awesome Fred Thompson’s plans to save America is totally going to work, will she go away? I really do believe that America needs to invent some more shit in order to save us.
I know that’s a few days late and a couple of dollars short, but my theory about this whole Vanessa Hudgens scandal is this: I’m looking at the Geek Squad as the ones who leaked those photos. There’s a history of the Geek Squad stealing porn. And to be fair and balanced, I’ll throw some stones at the Apple Geniuses because nine times out of ten, those dudes can be dicks, too (Ah shit, I’m not going to get any help the next time I bring anything in to be fixed). It’s either them or that fat guy from “Drake & Josh.”
Slightly related, I kind of dig the show, “iCarly”. And no, I have not seen the new episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” yet. I’m currently without HBO and a DVR. So I have to wait until Tuesday. No “Weeds” tomorrow night either. It’s been extremely solid and funny. Here’s to hoping that Mary Kate Olsen doesn’t fuck it up. Hey, you know in hind sight, who would’ve been an edgier choice for that role? Vanessa Hudgens.
There was a large part of me that was dreading Shoot ‘Em Up. I didn’t want to get my hopes up like I did with Smokin’ Aces. If we go in the way back machine, some may recall that based on an amazingly well cut trailer that ran before Borat, I declared that Smokin’ Aces would be the savior of action films. Then came that film’s eventual release in January of this year and well, the less said, the better. I blew off the chance to go to a Sparrow Love Crew/Cold War Kids show to watch the film. Then again, those were the weird, confusing, sad, lonely days as well as days of confidentially agreements, so it could explain a lot of things. With Shoot ‘Em Up, I just kept my mouth shut because it had all the elements that I love about movies. Clive Owen and Clive Owen shooting stuff. And as we all know that Smokin’ Aces had people shooting stuff as well and it was even better because it was cut to a DJ Shadow jam. Then the on line movie geek community got behind the film and for me, that equals a bad sign. Yeah, I can quote lines from “The Simpsons” with the best of them, but whenever the “geek movie gods” dig something, I have the opposite reaction. Perhaps, I don’t want to be labeled as a geek or if a film gets their stamp of approval, I expect something a lot ‘cooler’ from it. And naturally, the fear and dread became to creep in, but I bit the bullet.
As I was watching Shoot ‘Em Up, I started to think that I was the only one in the theater who was actually enjoying the film. Yet by the time, the end credits started to run, the audience was clapping and laughing and cheering. Part of me wants to call Shoot ‘Em Up one of the best films of the year, but part of me says that a film like this is an acquired taste. This is a film that one is either going to love to death or hate every single frame of it. I loved it because it’s roughly 85 minutes of Clive Owen being cool, dropping one-liners every couple of minutes and just insane action sequences. Yeah, I had a couple of problems with the film, but it didn’t take away from my overall enjoyment. Shoot ‘Em Up is a giant live action Bugs Bunny cartoon with sly nods to the works of John Woo & the Coen Brothers. The only problems that I had with the film were the use of CGI blood as opposed to practical effects and the music. I know that Courtney Love has got to eat and pay her phone bill so she could blame Steve Coogan for more things he didn’t do, but would Kurt Cobain really want his song to be used in an action film?
The whole point of this blog other than to document my inability to function with society, is to be a walking contradiction of its self. I sort of implied a few paragraphs ago that nobody cares about music videos anymore or at least if we do care about them, we watch them in a real shitty flash video format. With that said though, I think if Ed Banger was ever to do a video for the Justice song, “Phantom” or “Phantom Part 2,” it needs to be a live concert footage video but with a twist. Instead of the regular cool kids in their early 90s nostalgia gear, just reuse crowd footage from old heavy metal videos. The “Phantom” series for dance music, is pretty metal. Dudes in denim jackets with huge patches on the back going nuts would be pretty awesome. Cut in some clips of hipsters in the parking lot like Heavy Metal Parking Lot and you got yourself a VMA right there, if they still give away awards for that kind of thing.
Does anybody know when Roger Ebert is coming back and taking back his TV show? Richard Roeper’s reign of terror needs to be stopped. Roeper lacks a passion for cinema that Siskel had in spades and Ebert has in spades as well. And thanks to their on line review archives, I’m realizing that I’m more of a Gene guy despite his unrelenting dislike of David Lynch. Yet Gene makes valid and interesting points about why he doesn’t like Lynch. Roeper would just make some goofy face and say it’s just dumb if he doesn’t like it. And these guest critics, there’s no fight. Fuck the fact that they’re guests, mix shit up. That’s the problem, Roeper lacks passion about the films he likes or I’m completely missing his passion in the reviews.