&t skeet on mischa: The Jerk Store is closed aka Yaw Control

skeet on mischa

i wouldn't have given you it if i didn't agree

Oct 9, 2007

The Jerk Store is closed aka Yaw Control

I blame the Angels’ collapse on Dane Cook and his beyond awful promos for the playoffs. Hasn’t Hollywood or at least a good portion of Hollywood learned that nobody likes Dane Cook? His time has already come and gone. Oh, he has a million friends on MySpace, but hasn’t the failure of many intranet fads turned TV and film projects with exception to Borat taught us anything yet? Nobody went to see his movies and now, people aren’t watching the playoffs for fear of not only Joe Buck’s long and luscious verbal make out with A. Rod, but some protracted and extremely unfunny monologue about talking with your hands by Cook. I don’t believe in censorship in any form or tampering with somebody’s artistic vision, but I’m seriously considering contacting one of those ultra conservative Christian video stores that edit out all of the swears, sex and violence from all the movies we love and asking if they could edit out Dane Cook of Dan in Real Life or if they could do a bad Photoshop job and place a photo of Ryan Gosling or Clive Owen over Cook’s face.

Just wondering how a film called Pornstar starring local favorite Diora Baird slipped through the cracks?

Other local favorites include The Hutchinson Brothers, this kid, and the Spears sisters.

It should be noted that we at the Empire… personally prefer Britney Spears as the hot mess sheepishly holding onto her child as she shops on Robertson wearing glasses as opposed to the slick and cleaned up one found in that new music video. Now if I was a teenaged girl driving around with the top down with another friend and my gay bff, I’d totally be into slick Britney, but I am what I am and I like the one who doesn’t know how to roll down the window while at the drive thru at Taco Bell.

The trailer for Miike’s Sukiyaki Western Django. I’m into it, but I still think the best western for your dollar remains Andrew Dominik’s The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. It’s slowly but surely rolling out across the country and hopefully your neck of the woods within the next couple of weeks. Support quality films.

Jeffrey Wells begins the campaign to have Anton Corbijn’s Control to play at the Landmark as opposed its one week run at Nuart. I fully support this idea because I love the Landmark and its five levels of underground parking. Even though I need to make a trip to a Cinefile and I’d kill two birds with one car trip. It should be noted that I’m looking to watching Control either way.

I didn’t go to Detour Fest this past weekend, but I think I got caught in some traffic related to it while on my way to watch Blade Runner, but I’m assuming that other than dancing to “Phantom Part 2” with a bunch of cool kids in flannel and neon colors that this was the main highlight of the event. Moving Units, smoving units. Bloc Party, Smoc Party. That girl and Justice had to be the best things about the whole thing and then, watching every creepy guy trying to talk to her the whole day.

Although, I don’t know if I could watch that because I was at an event and this girl who was cute and drunk and this really creepy guy was just feeding her drink after drink. Rum was spilling down her arm or at least, I assume it was rum. It just bummed me out for the whole rest of the night. That and all these people who were stepping on my sneakers. I should’ve said something or done something, but then again, what is one supposed to do? I attempted to put it out of my mind and I think I saw that creepy guy without that girl at the end of the night. This is why I rarely go to functions anymore, I see something that bums me out and I’m just a wreck the rest of the night.

Could those Kardashians get any more wackier? I heard that they’re like that all the time in real life and on TV. Although, I heard that the Kardashian reality show is nothing more than 22 minutes of booty shots. It’s the triumphant return of jiggle TV! Thanks Ryan Seacrest.

Whatever happened to John Bread? He is and will always be the main guy (shout outs to over hyped and ultimately disappointing JJ Abrams’ movies.) for news in Southern California. He was a reoccurring character in one of the greatest TV shows of all time. Who’s this Carlos Amezcua character anyways? I know that he was the channel 5 morning guy, but he’s clearly not the man to step into the shoes of John Beard.

Vanessa Hudgens knows what you’re thinking about and no, she will not trade nudes with you. Even if you’re the star of your own teen Nick jam or remotely important enough to be featured on a celebrity gossip based web site, it’s still no dice. Maybe Ryan Sheckler, star of MTV’s hit show “Life of Ryan,” who happens to be a professional teenager as well as professional skateboarder could probably make a deal as if he was Monte Hall.


At 7:48 PM , Anonymous Petey North said...

seriously, dude. that last paragraph of this post has to be one the funniest things i've read in a while.


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